Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Crazy Old Lady Industries – First Quarter Report

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Dear Shareholder:
I’m thrilled to say that the top-line results for 1Q 2007 are quite promising, and we’re on target to have a banner year thanks to New York City’s demand for batshit-crazy old ladies.
We broke into double-digit growth early this year, in no small part because of our intense efforts to expand the Crazy Old Lady brand above and beyond cat-hoarding.
We’re in the public eye more than ever before due to new direction that takes us out of our dingy, unkempt, trash-filled apartments and puts us in the street. Literally. Cursing at trucks.
Our goal? Continue to innovate and improve upon the methods that put us in the spotlight and increase the Crazy Old Lady brand. For example:
* Waving arms and warning passers-by that children are in imminent danger of being kidnapped by pedophiles.
* Expletive-filled soliloquies delivered in nightgowns.
* Obsessive pigeon-nurturing.
* Frank discussions about the radio beams that are coming from that building over there.
* Berating hydrants.
* Defecating in storefronts.
I can’t possibly list all this year’s highlights while in restraints, but suffice to say: Squirrels are listening.
We fully expect to outdo ourselves this year, and we’re really glad you’re a part of it. It’s a great time for us – and a perfect time to harvest broken umbrellas.
As we continue into 2007 it is with confidence that I say the dark foreigners at the DVD shop on the corner are part of a grand plan to destroy America with their porn. Fortunately, Dan Rather bit my arm and I can hear angels.
Margaret Sameshirteveryday
East Village


Previously

Defendant: Video Plus & Internet To [Google surveillance] Count 1: Prepositional negligence. Count 2: Rendering grammatical malfeasance permanent. Count 3: Exposing grammatical indecency to the public via signage. Report: Officer Decker was off duty in Washington (the wine-making state, …