Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Class Notes

Barry Bailey (’03, Theatre) and Lynda Krotz (’03, Humanities)
Barry and Lynda rushed into marriage after graduation in an underwhelming ceremony in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. “A lot of people thought I was gay,” writes Barry, “but I hope to put those rumors to bed once and for all. Pun intended.” In attendance at the inaudible beachside ceremony were Mary York (’02) who lives with her parents and Ryan Sarkis (’03) who notes that the vows the couple wrote were hilariously tacky. The marriage is doomed.
Karen Anne Beezer (’01, Communications)
Founder of the university’s first improvisational comedy troupe, “Beez Neez”, Karen writes that she was emotionally devastated by her cheating son of a bitch husband Blake and is now a hollow shell. She’s raising daughter Aimee by herself and spends an inordinate amount of time pampering her cats. She’s gained 23 pounds.


Lucas Sullivan (’01, Business)
“Hello Delta Kappa Brothers!” writes Lucas, “A shout out to all of you. Two years out and I still can’t forget the good times I had with my boyz! I can’t help but feel my glory days are behind me. Tracy and I broke up after I pegged her roommate. DK roolz da house!” Lucas lives in Deerborn, Michigan and sells phone cards.
Karen (Cooper) Bentoni (’00, Business)
Karen won the Maryland Lottery in 2002 and writes to ask that classmates and the school cease trying to contact her.
Benjamin Mandell (’99, Business)
Benjamin had his secretary write: “I’m doing quite well, and making truckloads of money, as I knew I would. Not too long ago I was on a work-related trip to Sacramento and ran into Kenneth Case (’99) at the hotel. I was tickled to discover he makes less than I do, which I always suspected would be the case.” Benjamin lives in a very nice house in East Hampton, Long Island.
Michael Moriarty (’97, Music)
Michael only recently realized his future as a rock star did not exist, but not before racking up $45,000 in debt while under the impression he’d pay it off when he got famous. He lives above a garage in Santa Monica and has declared bankruptcy.
Chip Foley (’90, Communications)
Now living in Los Angeles, the Campus TV star of “Newsbeat”, “College News”, “Campus Newstime” and “Newsflash” writes to report that he hasn’t been in front of a camera since he left school.
Kevin Featherstone (’89, Humanities)
Kevin writes to report he was arrested while soliciting sex from an undercover policeman while on a business trip in Seattle. He lives in Chicago with wife Sarah and their two children.
Ken Colucci (’86, Theatre)
Kenneth writes that he is jealous of the acting success of former roommate Roger Mayberry (’86). He’s preparing to decimate Roger’s career by selling photos of him passed out, being probed with a golf club. The Enquireroffered me good money,” says Ken, “and Roger’s a dick.”
Susan (Gleason) LeFevre (’82, Music)
Susan and her husband Tommy are proud to announce the birth of their fifth child, Rhapsody Allen. She was born February 4th and weighs 8 lbs., 2 oz. “Time does fly!!!!!!!!” she writes, “One minute I’m freewheeling Sue – next thing I know, I’m married, squeezing out monster number five and forging prescriptions for OxyContin!!!! LOL!!!!!!”
Terrence Heaton (’79, Business)
Terrence is president of Yo Eleven! Enterprises, which makes a marginal profit manufacturing gaming chips for several Indian reservation casinos. He writes, “Things haven’t really worked out like I had planned. My loveless marriage to Casey (Wanderbrook, ’80) ended last February, and good riddance to that. She was infertile, and ultimately a lesbian, so fortunately we don’t have the burden of children.” Terrence says “I look forward to our thirtieth (!) reunion and hope to hook up with Carmen Giordano (’79) if she’s still a hottie.”
Cliff Parsons (’77, Music)
Cliff lives in Brentwood, New Jersey and is CEO of NutraVite, a vitamin wholesaler. He writes: “I have gained a terrible amount of weight, which has strained my marriage considerably.”
Agnes Lightbown (’62, Music)
From her facility in Chestnut Hill, MA, Agnes writes: “They turn off the air at night as a way to punish us and hurt us for what we know. They want to know what I know but I don’t want to tell them. They think they can control us and tell us that we’re sick. We’re not sick. They are. We’re not crazy. They are. I refuse to give in. They want to kill me, I am sure. I have a message for President Nixon but I will only give it in person.” Agnes believes she is married to Peter O’Toole and lives in a castle in Atlantis.
Carl Hessermann (’41, Business)
We were saddened to learn that Carl passed away this past July. No one noticed for over two weeks.


Previously

Janet Jackson's Boob, 225-317        absurd denials:           CBS not knowing, 244-246           M-TV not knowing, 244-246           wardrobe malfunction, 245        controversy surrounding exposure to:     …

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Complaint: Misspelling of the designer name "Chanel"; embroidery of said name on countless women's shirts; still not noticing said error and placing it in a window display; wholesale distribution of a misspelled designer name; attempted …