Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Satire


To The Staff of Naked Ladies Magazine

It is with a heavy heart that I announce that this will be the last issue of Naked Ladies magazine. When my father founded Naked Ladies in 1969, he was a trailblazer. There were magazines, of course, but none that featured naked ladies. He saw an opportunity and he went for it. Naked Ladies was…



Panel Report: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

From the onset, the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy established seventeen years ago under the Clinton Administration has been controversial. Over the last several years this panel has analyzed the policy and conducted thorough observations of militaries all over the world. The panel has come to the conclusion that the policy is outdated and needs…


Avatar: True Facts

The entire film was created on a MacBook Pro with a pirated copy of Adobe After Effects. This is Sigourney Weaver’s 73rd reprise of her role as a woman in outer space. Unbeknownst to the audience, the film peppered viewers with very, very subtle political messages. At nearly three hours long, the film is like…


Peacekeepers 2: Tactical Observation for the Xbox

The much-anticipated sequel to Peacekeepers: Prompt Deployment expands the franchise from bureaucratic decision-making to all-out observation with binoculars. PROS: Realistic, indecisive AI • Responsive binoculars • Blue hats • Sound design CONS: Can’t understand what Ban Ki- moon is saying half the time At the end of Peacekeepers: Prompt Deployment, players left an eight-hour committee…


Disappointing Erotica

His warm tongue traced around her navel before heading south to flirt with the thin lace of her panties. She bit her lip. This was the moment she had been waiting for since she first laid eyes on Carlos at the hotel pool. She moaned with anticipation, running her hands through his dark hair before…


Jury Duty Tips

We’re blessed to live in a country where each and every individual (not you, felons!) can participate in the justice system. A trial by a jury of our peers is one of our inalienable rights, and serving as a juror is not only a privilege but a civic obligation.
That said, jury duty can be a dreadfully tedious ordeal that you’d really like to get the hell out of – like if the trial will last a month and is about rich people suing other rich people over a bent building.


Victim Impact Statement

I know Michael will have to live with the fact that he helped a gully kill his best friend via remote-controlled helicopter. I hope the memories of this will knock on the door of his consciousness like a Jehovah’s Witness coming by with copies of Watchtower magazine.


Psychic Pediatrician

My two-year old son has been waking in the middle of the night in an absolute hysterical state, shrieking and completely inconsolable for 10-30 minutes. This has happened for several days in a row now. What can we do?




If Hitler Hated Disorganized Closets Instead of Jews

A nation that understands the profound essence of its struggle and feels itself to be the purest embodiment of organizational savvy, will with almost mathematical certainty some day emerge victorious. The Motherland shall inevitably win her rightful position on this earth if she is led and her closets dutifully purged and organized according to the same principles.



Trump’s Latest Masterpiece

“Have I Told You How Wealthy I Am?” is the latest in a series of books by Donald Trump that attempt to make sure everyone knows that he is very, very rich and he is great at business.


72nd Irrational Response Force

IRF came under small arms fire while en route to new encampment site in Flajaba. Determined that fire was coming from a hilltop NW of position. Ordered Alpha company to flank while Bravo made a nest from twigs and discarded water bottles. Made PFC Ramirez “King for a Day” and set fire to what looked to be a tool shed.


Take Your Debtor To Work Day

07:33 Pick Adam up at his East Village apartment. I remind him he owes me $800. He says he’s got a check coming in today. Wants to take a taxi. 07:59 Arrive outside the office. Adam says he doesn’t have any cash for the taxi until he hits an ATM. Sees a Starbucks across the…



Hemberton College Bulletin

Barrett Chandler (Business) tells us “I eventually settled down and found myself a wife, but deep down I’m still the same intolerable, misogynistic prick you remember.”


Excerpts from Almost Wise

Later that week I was summoned to a meeting with Louis “Chops” De Luca. It was there I learned that I would soon not be inducted into the mob.