Marketing

My wife and I had been talking for a long time about a start-up business. We’d been looking for something challenging and rewarding. As you can imagine, when this well-targeted Google ad popped up it was a eureka moment for both of us:

Labor camps! Of course! Why didn’t we think of that? So much better than ostrich farms or retailing on eBay.
I know from having read Anne Applebaum’s Gulag that labor camps can be immensely profitable – the Soviet Union relied on them. And part of China’s great economic success stems from the low-cost labor often associated with mass involuntary servitude.
As the ads contend, China is the world’s supplier of all your labor camp needs. North Korea too, I suppose, but they’re not really big on the Internet just yet.

We immediately sketched out our plan for a small

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, manageable labor camp. Nothing too fancy as we could always expand later. We secured a small parcel of land in upstate New York (a bargain because it was clay soil next to a mosquito-infested swamp). Taxes are minimal.
As the ad promised

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, we got a better deal on a bulk labor camp. It arrived in 3,221 separate shipments. Granted, most of our spring was exhausting as we spent it installing fence posts, latrines and razor wire. But – I’m happy to say we’re now in business and looking forward to the adventure that is entrepreneurship.

This is an excellent internet advertisement for ClassesUSA that I tripped over recently. It does all the things an advertisement should do, and it does them well. I know this because for many years I worked in advertising.
RULE #1: A good ad always mentions that the president wants you to do something.
Everyone loves a president, except for roughly half of the population who did not vote for him. But for the ones who did? They love when the president tells them what he wants them to do. With the exception, I suppose, of those folks who don’t like political figures telling them what to do.
RULE #2: A good ad targets people other than you.
I personally love it when an ad targets someone other than the person looking at it. It makes me feel good to know there are other people in the world who are different than I am, and I enjoy seeing ads directed at them. In this case, the ad is targeting child-bearing moms who are receptive to President Obama wanting them to buy an arguably worthless college degree from a meagerly accredited, shady online university.
It’s odd because the advertiser is owned by Experian, the corporate behemoth that tracks all of us and our credit histories. They could probably very easily discern who I am and everything about me by looking at their vast electronic library of stored information. Instead they show me an ad targeting under-educated

, subservient moms. Kudos.
RULE #3: A good ad has a picture of a freakish Charles Manson type who has absolutely nothing to do with the headline.

Obama wants moms to go back to school? Homeless man mugshot. It makes perfect sense to me. You might expect to see a photo of a mom. Or a woman of some sort, anyway. Someone who might tie in to the headline. No way. This is a good ad, and a good ad doesn’t bother with that. A good ad wants you to go, “What the hell?” as you look at a what could easily be a pedophile’s mugshot.
So there you have it. A brilliant ad concocted by marketing geniuses somewhere out there in the vast Internet. Or maybe in Boise, at some marketing firm located in a step-mom’s basement. It makes me want to get back into advertising.
Bonus points for the mouse-type at the bottom. It’s a legal disclaimer for a testimonial that’s not actually in the ad.

I saw this ad on Facebook and it made me think of starting a marketing consultancy. I would sit down one-on-one with Don and say, “Don, do not use that picture in your ad.” It would undoubtedly increase sales in his company. And then I would charge him just $400.

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A new auction for eBay. And marketing. And a charity.

Free Estimates – downloadable poster for the office or telephone pole.

Because I have a moderately-trafficked weblog of niche humor that is appreciated by a tiny fraction of English-speaking humanity, marketing folks in charge of promoting products routinely target me in the hopes that I might mention their product and link to their websites.
More often than not they’re completely off-target. Last week I was approached by Nivea about promoting a skin care package for men, a website that tells you when your favorite actor will be on next, and a place that I believe sells panties. The marketer usually makes some feeble effort to suggest they love your weblog: “Hey! Really enjoy Banterist!” and then delivers the off-the-mark pitch: “I’m thinking your readers would love to hear about our amazing water filters. Can I send you some?”
Occasionally a PR guy or gal is on the mark or close to the mark or, as fate will have it, is actually pitching something I’m familiar with.
In this case it’s SimulScribe, a service which I actually use and have come to rely on. They have the unpleasant task of explaining what they do to the general population – 90% of whom aren’t that clever. They’re forced to help folks get their heads around their service, which is really simple in theory but still manages to make people ask weird questions. Remember how long it took to explain TiVo to people?

Continue reading…

Personally I’m against all hereditary diseases, though I did attend a pro-Lupus rally in college.

So, why are you single?

Doug: I tried all the traditional ways to meet people and they hadn’t worked for me. You know – the gym, library, bars, the workplace, chance encounters, Craigslist, subway, Match, Lavalife, MySpace, Meetup, J-Date, Second Life, street festivals, Obama rallies and the like. But then I saw this urine-stained advertisement printed on a semi-adhesive piece of paper and haphazardly slapped on the bottom of a light pole mount. It occurred to me that I hadn’t tried them yet.
What did you do?
Well, I’m unemployed and don’t have a pen, so I had a dilemma – do I just take the urine-stained advertisement printed on a semi-adhesive piece of paper and haphazardly slapped on the bottom of a light pole mount, or do I try and memorize the website address so that when I get to Tasti Delite I can log on and try them out?
What did you ultimately decide?
I memorized it using a technique I think I heard about called “association.” First I memorized NYC because that’s where my halfway house is located. Second, I memorized singles because it’s what I am, and I like Kraft cheese singles – especially the peeling away of the cellophane for every individual slice.
And then I had to remember the dot-thing. Now, most businesses are dot-com, but these guys aren’t. So I just remembered them by thinking “What organization advertises themselves via urine-stained advertisement printed on a semi-adhesive piece of paper and haphazardly slapped on the bottom of a light pole mount?” That seemed to work wonders.
What happened next?

I sat down, ordered a large Chemical Chocolate flavor Tasti Delite, and logged on. They asked for a phone number I could be reached at, like they used to do in 1991 before email and stuff helped expedite things. So I gave them the number of the payphone outside my halfway house. Luckily for me Verizon had just repaired the receiver which had been shattered weeks earlier by my bunkmate, One-Eye Todd.

What kind of people have you met?
Well they haven’t called yet. My guess is they’re not in the office but busy focusing on their advertising efforts. And let’s face it, there are a lot of piss-covered light poles in this city.

Recently Sprint issued new high-tech mobile phones with six months of unlimited service to various members of the internet community – the people known as “bloggers.”
Presumably this is a marketing effort and not charity.
Naturally, Banterist was included in the mix. Sprint is wisely intrigued with the power and influence this site wields over tens to twelves of people and would like to harness it for their gain. I have no problems with this. I like free things.
They are calling this their “Ambassador” program. As an Ambassador I have been asked to use the phone as much as possible and offer regular feedback to my handlers.
So, I am now in possession of a brand new Samsung SPH-A920 multimedia telephone with Sprint service. In return for unlimited free domestic calls and unlimited downloadable content, Sprint would like my opinion. And, presumably, they’d like me to mention Sprint and their phone as much as possible. I believe this to be a fair trade and intend to conduct experiments and issue dispatches regarding Sprint and their phone.
First impressions, appearances:
The phone is lightweight and, as New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin would say, “chocolate.”
I like the looks of the phone better than my bulky LG VX8000 which I purchased after my toddler murdered my LG VX7000.
The phone’s default font is “Rainbow” which makes every number you dial a different color. I quickly found out how to make it stop doing that and now enjoy a solid, masculine dark blue color. I’ve also arranged to have it speak the keys to me so instead of tones I get a nice lady saying “Two! One! Two! Five! Three! Seven!…” and “Ok!” I imagine I will grow tired of her fairly soon and make the keys silent.
The screen has very good picture quality. I opted for the “blue skies” wallpaper as opposed to the default one, which I’d describe as “blazing corn field.”
Downloadable content:
Sprint claims that as an Ambassador I can download content for free. To test this I went to their music store and purchased U2’s “One.” It would have cost me $2.50 were I not an Ambassador. But I am an Ambassador, and it cost nothing. I made a mental note to download all of John Mayer’s songs in the hopes that he’d see a percentage of the proceeds. I am thoughtful like that.
Operations:
The phone has an 816 area code – Kansas City, MO. Caller ID reveals the name on the phone to be “Ambassador.” I immediately decided to take advantage of this to harass my friends.
To test out the phone I called my brother, who did not recognize the number. In a falsetto Hispanic accent I told him I was Carlito looking for Mister Santos. He told me I had the wrong number. I apologized and hung up. I called him again as Carlito looking for Santos. He told me I still had the wrong number and asked which number I was trying to call. I mumbled “Santos” and hung up. I called back, but before I could say “Santos” he was on to me. I confessed. I regretted confessing, and wished I’d dragged the thing out until April 1st.
I then called my friend Dave and in an English accent claimed I was calling on behalf of “Ambassador Cleary” who needed to reschedule a ride to JFK airport. Dave didn’t quite get it, and said he didn’t need a car service and hung up. I called back and reiterated that Ambassador Cleary needed a ride to JFK at 9:30, but Dave still didn’t get it and said he didn’t need a ride to JFK. I then sent him a text message saying the same thing, followed by a “Voice SMS.”
The Voice SMS is one of the cooler features I have discovered so far. It lets you record and send a voice message to someone’s phone – no ringing or answering required. It’s a very cool feature for those times you don’t feel like talking to someone but need to convey information to them.
After the Voice SMS, Dave stopped answering the phone so I simply called and called and called. When he finally answered I hung up on him and called back. Eventually this became tiresome. To me. To Dave’s credit he never once seemed irritated, he was just confused because he didn’t need a ride to JFK. Dave is a nice and laid back person whose exacting physical standards place 98% of all females in the “heavy” category.
Both calls had good sound quality, and were free as I am an Ambassador. The sound quality seems better than my LG VX8000, though in fairness my son has possibly damaged that phone’s audio by chewing on the receiver.
High-tech wizardry:
The more I explore the Samsung SPH-A920, the more I realize how cool some of the features are. I think that’s the point of the Ambassador program. Sprint doesn’t want to have to explain all these things to people, so they cleverly make other people do it.
In my case the Media Player was a great find when I was out shopping with the wife. Shopping is boring. The solution? Watch Fox News in real-time on your phone. It’s fair and balanced, and you learn new things while your wife is doing whatever women do in dressing rooms. I like how Fox has news alerts constantly. I’m not sure what their standards are for something being declared a “Breaking News Alert” but they seem to be pretty low. Sprint offers plenty of other channels to check out once you get tired of “Breaking News” every three minutes. The only problem with a small screen is you can’t make out the scrolling news, time, logo, weather, date, barometric pressure and flashing things that Fox News clutters their broadcasts with. It’s mainly just a person talking about breaking news.
Later in the afternoon I tried to re-find Fox News but got lost and eventually discovered another feature – movie trailers. I watched a trailer for The Omen which consisted of a kid sitting on a swing for about 30 seconds. Technology that lets me watch movie trailers on my phone is pretty cool, though if Omen is about a kid on a swing I’ll stick with the original. Speaking of remakes – they never should have remade Pink Panther.
After the boring shopping expedition we were hungry and wanted to eat food. This is when I discovered how new technology is going to make life much better for all of us. Sprint’s Samsung SPH-A920 handset has a great directory search feature that tells you what’s around based on your GPS coordinates. Sprint will only look at your GPS coordinates if you give them the OK, so you Black Helicopter-seeing Big-Brother-is-Coming freaks can chill out. I typed in “restaurant” but before I could get any listings my wife decided we’d be brunching at Café des Amis across the street and that was that. She is the boss of me.
More on my Ambassadorship with Sprint and their magical Samsung SPH-A920 phone later.