From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.


Foreign Desk

Poland Dispatch: Village Gossip

It was a close race between the village mayor and the village priest for Most Overwhelming Christmas Display 2005, but ultimately the crown goes to God’s humble servant whose power bills are subsidized by the Vatican. He had an electric sleigh on his roof and lots of people eager to earn brownie points by wiring his bushes. Honorable mention goes to the mayor, whose lights flashed wickedly and often.

Poland Dispatch: Where The Ostriches Roam

The pace of life here is much slower than New York, requiring you to actually experience it. One is forced to spend quality time with others, read books, make pickles and watch ostriches shit on themselves – things you don’t do as much when in your hyperactive society, fretting about terrorists and bitching about the celebrity du jour.

Poland Dispatch: The Ostrich

The ostrich has the timid demeanor of Michael Jackson with the expressionless face of Brendan Fraser. It can be described as a small beanbag chair perched on two corn stalks with a vacuum hose neck and Nerf football head. They have very large eyes that they use to take in the world around them – which, judging from their behavior, they don’t really understand all too well.

Poland Dispatch: Village Gossip

A son from the richest village family was sent off to jail for six months for having a few too many stolen tractors in his possession. No one seems to care because the family is a little too snobby for village tastes, plus he stole their tractors. Marcin’s wife was sleeping with another man, also…

Poland Dispatch: Mending Fences

Twain said golf was a good walk, spoiled. But, I submit he probably never stumbled upon dead dogs during his jaunts, which he might consider a good walk even more spoiled. For the second time while meandering around the farm I came across another victim of Rocky, the half-mad canine security detail that handles the…

Poland Dispatch: Christmas In Poland

The Polish countryside with a dusting of snow makes a remarkable Christmas landscape. The snow was exquisitely timed so that it got the coming down part taken care of two days ago. Everything was in place just in time for the holiday. The day before Christmas the skies were clear, the sun was out, and…

Poland Dispatch: Car For Sale

1996 Polonez Caro 4-door, hatchback Color: Darkish something Engine: 4 cylinder, 65 Catpower Transmission: 5 Speed Standard 106000 Kilometers 0-100Kph: Yes Features: In-floor ventilation holes Automatically opening windows Window Froster Random door-locking (3 doors) Keyless entry fourth door Gaping AM/FM Radio Hole Passenger-side seat belt Ass-penetrating seat spring Windshield & rear Windshield Streakers Extremely loud…

Poland Dispatch: Catching Up With Capitalism

Yesterday was an exciting day. We left the village and drove to the ‘big city’ of Pila (pee-wa) which isn’t really a big city – it just has some taller buildings in it. It’s big only if you’re normally used to dealing with small buildings and windmills. Sadly, most of the buildings in Pila were…

Poland Dispatch: Review, Village Bar

The village bar, so called because it’s the bar and in a village, is a smallish one-room affair. There are a handful of tables and folding chairs likely purchased from the equivalent of a Bed Bath & Beyond were such a thing to exist here. There is one beer on draft. Several beers are available…

Poland Dispatch: Virgin Gives It Up

Virgin is the greatest airline ever in the history of flight to cross the Atlantic. I have flown numerous carriers over the years, most of which suffer suck to the nth degree, despite the $20 billion bailout they insisted the U.S. government make the taxpayers hand them. Virgin is what the Wright Brothers might have…