Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Camp Falsehopes

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We see them every day on reality television, dating websites, and job interviews.
They’re comedians, musicians, artists and writers. They sing, they dance. And they have a dream – which usually involves being rich and/or famous.
They’re America’s young adults: confident, proud, cocky. Full of spirit and ambition. Eager get out there and show the world what they’ve got. And yet they’re mediocre, witless, and untalented.
Where do these young men and women get what it takes to overcome that reality and put themselves center stage with so little to back them up? Where do concepts like “aptitude”, “intelligence” and “paying one’s dues” find themselves smothered to death by a big duvet of denial?
Camp Falsehopes, for Unpromising Teens. That’s where.
Founded in 1964 by Dr. Angus Delton, Camp Falsehopes was one of the first places of its kind – a pioneer in the field of adolescent deniology coupled with praise therapy. What began in the back room of a dental office quickly expanded to accommodate a growing influx of bleak and incompetent young adults. Not long after its founding, it became obvious how badly America had needed such a place. A place where kids wouldn’t be asked to practice, study, or not eat eight pounds of bacon. A place that wasn’t afraid to tell them just how incredibly awesome they were, over and over and over again. A place where coddling wasn’t just for eggs, but for children – beginning mere moments out of the womb and ending right around the time they try to join the workforce.
For unremarkable young American men and women, Camp Falsehopes is the answer.
Our graduates are regularly in the public eye. Perhaps you’ve noticed them on American Idol, or heard them thinking they’re going to enter the workforce at $150,000 a year. Maybe you’ve accidentally stumbled on to their back-room comedy show which they believe to be absolutely hilarious.
At Camp Falsehopes, our mission is simple: Reward every single child with an endless stream of praise so that they develop an overwhelming confidence and sense of ability. Equip an entire generation with the can-do attitude that outshines the dim realities that they might find troubling. Make sure every child knows we’re all equally smart, attractive and share the same unlimited potential. Simply wanting to succeed is enough. Effort and ability should never be part of the entitlement equation – and at Camp Falsehopes, they never are.
Our Philosophy:
You are the smartest, most talented, most beautiful young man or woman to ever grace us with your presence. You poop gold.
Some Of Our Methods:
– Showering your amazing child with morale-building praise.
– Setting easily-attainable standards of excellence.
– Making criticism as unheard of as marital fidelity in Paris.
– Mandating every eighth word should be a variation of “wonderful.”
– Blaming all negatives on outside forces, like mean people or l’ailment du jour.
Some Of Our Classes:
You Are Brilliant! The purpose of this class is to give everyone the confidence they need to form opinions and make declarations – but without the awkwardness of encountering dissent. Kids who attend You Are Brilliant! have all the answers, and quite frequently choose to take the follow-up class: My Great, Unchallenged Idea.
Stop Dreaming And Start Being. Want to be a great singer who should be famous? You are! That’s the message our kids leave after taking this class. All performances receive incredible amounts of applause, giving even the most tone-deaf aspiring star the gusto he or she needs to make their case in front of 38 million people on American Idol.
That’s Not How I See It. Students taking this class will learn how to deal with criticism from all the nasty critics of the world with phrases like “You’re wrong!”, “My mom says otherwise” and “I disagree!”
Matchcrafting. Students learn how to ramp-up their online dating experience by creatively redefining the meanings of “slim” , “intelligent” and “very attractive.”
Yet Another Comedy Troupe. No one’s funnier than you are. Practice your act in front of an audience of supportive, like-minded peers before letting the world see your hilarious mocking of the Normandy invasion and your signature “Grandma’s Menstruating Again!” sketch. (Kudos to alumnus Jimmy Fallon, regular breacher of the fourth wall.)
Blame Dynamics. Being able to quickly assign blame for one’s faults is of paramount importance. Students learn how and when to attribute problems to Attention-Deficit Disorder, Dyslexia and jealous others who don’t want them to succeed.
Some Of Our Facilities:
We have a wide range of outdoor activities designed in the spirit of encouragement through the removal of needless challenge. Our archery targets feature a four-foot wide bullseye.
The swimming pool is 14 feet long, but labeled as “Olympic Sized” so as to give the impression of achievement. The water is heavily salted, giving even the largest boy or girl the buoyancy of a physically adept, professional swimmer. Public address speakers are hidden in the stands and play a continuous loop of encouraging cheers.
The prestigious Camp Falsehopes Hall of Fame features every single young adult to ever attend Camp Falsehopes.
Our state-of-the-art auditorium features a Jennifer Lopez 500X Audio Processing System that will make your son or daughter sound like a million-dollar contract.
Pollux the Pony is arthritic and practically immobile, giving all students a chance to easily mount and ride him. Being able to mount and ride a pony makes kids feel good – like they could run a Fortune 500 company with a 1.9 GPA from Sparkplugs University.
Our cafeteria staff will call you gorgeous even if you choose to externalize inner sadness with muffins.
Some Of Our Key Staff:

Margaret Heyberry founded F Stands For Future, a grass-roots group which successfully removed grading from schools because of its tendency to hurt feelings and make kids feel uncomfortable. Thanks to her achievements, all K-12 students nationwide pass with flying colors and get a giraffe sticker.
Paula Abdul could find something nice to say about Hitler. “You tried real hard, good for you!” she’d say, “You have the spirit it takes to succeed and I love you for it!”
Brendan LaPierre was one of the first young adults to attend Camp Falsehopes, and he liked it so much he stayed for good! He is working on his fifteenth novel and expects it to be published as soon as he finds an agent who recognizes his genius.
Duncan Lynde coaches our baseball team. Everyone who returns to the dugout receives a victory hug regardless of their on-field performance. He eliminated humiliating “shirts vs. skins” competitions and now everyone wears a flattering olive poncho.
Victoria Shoutingwolf is an angry Native American and everything she writes is great and meaningful as a result.
James Blunt performs his hit song “You’re Beautiful” constantly, only stopping for bathroom breaks and yogurt.
Camp Falsehopes has dramatically changed the lives of hundreds of thousands of American teens, why not yours?

Camp Falsehopes is not responsible for anything that happens off camp grounds.


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