Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Al Complaina: Osama Speaks

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Recently, al Qaeda CEO Osama bin Laden went on a tirade about America’s complicity in the climate crisis. Some media outlets have speculated that such a stunt represents the organization’s desperation to stay relevant. However, this is not the first time Al Qaeda’s opinionated chatterbox has strayed beyond his usual comfort zone in order to vent some fury. In fact, when it comes to the sassy Saudi no one is safe.
BARISTAS LEAVE TOO MUCH ROOM FOR MILK (May 2007)
“And now we laugh, seeing how America has lost its credibility and is viewed as a tool of the imperialist, colonialist empires, and one that most notably leaves too much room for milk in its venti coffees, even when its citizens specifically stated that they desired nothing more than a large black coffee. Even as Bush continues his warmongering abroad and assists the Zionists in their occupation of Palestine, he helms a so-called democracy that is unable to simply fill the cup all the way to the top. One that cheats its own citizens by leaving an inch of room for milk in a $2.50 cup of coffee, when not a single millimeter of room was wanted.”
FACEBOOK REDESIGN (October 2009)
“Where is the justice in changing the layout on the faithful user? Where is your precious “freedom” for which you fight and die, when you too find yourself cast from your area of comfort, into an unfamiliar land, like our Palestinian brothers for whom we shall never rest? You leave us with no choice but to become a fan of “Bring Back The Old Layout Or We’re Gone.”
TIME OUT NEW YORK KEEPS RECOMMENDING RESTAURANTS IN BROOKLYN (November 2008)
“All praise is due to Allah, who built the heavens and earth in justice, and created man as a favor and grace from Him and who in his infinite wisdom saw to it that Time Out New York would cover all the glorious and wonderful events and dining venues in New York City. But the cancerous touch of the Deceivers has made it such that one will read with great interest about a restaurant opening – only to realize that the restaurant is in Red Hook or Park Slope, where Manhattanites can not be bothered to go. And so just as the Deceivers mislead you about their plan of oppression in the Middle East, they also mislead about their plan to promote Brooklyn. Presumably because the writers all live there and really want it to be hip.”

JAY LENO RETURNS TO TONIGHT SHOW (January 2010)

“For ten long years our mujahedeen fought the great power of the Soviet Union with nothing more than simple weapons. Through patience and steadfastness we bled their economy until there was no more blood in its veins. Through patience and steadfastness we brought a superpower to its knees. And through patience and steadfastness we shall bring the armies of the West to their knees. That we have patience and steadfastness is known to all. But if you think for a minute that I’m going to sit through another “Jay Walking” segment, you’re fooling yourself. I honestly don’t know what Jeff Zucker is smoking, Peace Be Upon Him.”


Previously

My short film The Deposition of Lou Bagetta will be making the film festival rounds again as part of the LA Comedy Shorts "Best of Fest" program. They're touring festivals showing off favorites from the …

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