Why on earth did you put a playground on top of a cemetery?

You know, we hear that a lot. And the answer will surprise you. When you're thinking about building a playground for kids, your first inclination might be "let's not build this on a 200-year old cemetery." But in our case, we thought differently.

What the hell were you thinking when you decided to build a playground on top of a cemetery?

Good question. When we designed our playground we knew it would have all the normal accoutrements of any children's play space: slides, play houses, a sandbox and toys. But we wanted to offer something most playgrounds don't offer: a chance for kids to come face-to-face with the prospect of mortality while they're playing with sand.

What thought process goes into building a children's playground on top of a cemetery?

It's not as easy as you would think. When you're building a playground on a normal piece of land that doesn't have dead bodies in it you don't have any obstacles in your way. In our case though, we were building a playground on top of a very old cemetery. We didn't want to remove the grave stones because we felt it was important to respect the graves we were putting a playground on top of. So we built around them.

Do you realize you built a children's playground on top of a cemetery?

Oh lord yes! We have lots of people remind us of that. And there are numerous instances when people visiting Rhinebeck see the playground and decide to let the kids out of the car for a stretch. We like to watch the faces of the parents because you can see the very moment they realize that we built a playground on top of a cemetery. You can almost read their minds.

A new ebay auction.

Free Estimates - downloadable poster for the office or telephone pole.

What is this place?

Banterist is a weblog of original humor founded in Fall 2003 on a whim. The goal of the site was to create an outlet for original humor that aimed to be of a higher caliber than the farts n' pee stuff that dominates the internet and, sadly, everything.

In general the site was designed to not appeal to anyone who watches Two and a Half Men religiously.

During a chat in 2004 with Gawker Media president Nick Denton I asked him why he didn't have any humor blogs in his empire. He said there was no money in it. He was right. It's much more a labor of love, limited by time constraints and my tremendously awful graphical abilities.

How do I acquaint myself with this site?

You can always try the Greatest Hits category, which contains the most-linked-to entries on the site. These are the posts that have been the most popular in the site's history. Sadly, despite my efforts to be high-brow, two of them are literally toilet humor: the German Poo-Shelf Toilet story and the incredibly popular Chinese Squat Toilet story.

Notable Posts

My eBay auction for unwanted leather pants had remarkable career ramifications.

This summary of a trip to Vilnius, Lithuania was translated out of context into Lithuanian and posted on a popular site there - resulting in a huge backlash by angry Lithuanians who thought I was making fun of them.

The Grammar Cop archives are very popular and document our descent into apostrophic anarchy.

If you want to feel intellectually superior to a large number of people, read A Public Message From Sean P. Diddy Combs then peruse the comments and see how many people lack fundamental reading comprehension skills.

Unclaimed Finances of the Rich & Famous garnered a NY Post Page Six mention and even better, an email from actress Martha Plimpton who I had a crush on for most of my adolescence.

Magician Penn Jillete liked Your New Monkey.

Author Neil Gaiman liked Saddam's Interrogation Logs.

And Tom Cruise for the Xbox seems prescient in retrospect.

Nazis!

Facebook in the Fuhrerbunker.

US Weekly Visits the Fuhrerbunker.

Tag Index

The tag index lets you browse the site for posts based on tags. This can help you locate posts on topics you might be interested in, like the Crappiest Airport in the World or Horrendous Cat-Face Lady.

Enjoy the site.

Features: Role playing, cats, professional instruction and the stupidity of selling other peoples' books in your own interview.

boomp3.com

Stay through to the end. It should be worth it.

Yesterday was exciting. It began with the longest book interview in the history of radio and ended with me kicking two pedestrians to death.

In the Event of My Untimely Demise began the day with an Amazon ranking of 130,000-something. It went up to 343 by the time I called it a night. It was also #3 in Parenting>Humor and #10 in Entertainment>Humor.

Fortunately it had not occurred to me to check my Amazon ranking until someone mentioned it later in the afternoon. I'd completely forgotten you could monitor such things. I'm trying not to think about it now.

The radio and TV interviews and Glamour blogging was really fun. My wife surprised me with a lovely dinner at my favorite overpriced restaurant, Strip House.

By coincidence, the highly-anticipated video game Grand Theft Auto IV was launching on the same day. In the game I play host "Mike Riley" on the Public Liberty Radio channel's Intelligent Agenda show. I was dying to see how that turned out so I picked up the game, raced home, popped it in, stole a car, listened to the radio and finally heard the show. I was so excited that I exited the car and began murdering pedestrians before stealing a garbage truck for a joyride.

It was a good day.

Today, April 29, is officially launch day for the book although a reader in West Virginia emailed me to say she got hold of it a couple days early. Always jumping the gun, West Virginia, you!

After walking into the Barnes & Noble at Union Square I realized that I will never again just simply walk into a bookstore. In the pre-book launch days I would go to a bookstore because I needed a book. Or something. No more.

From today onwards, walking into a bookstore will be about more than just getting a book. It will be about anticipation, excitement, pride and - mainly - boosted or damaged self esteem. Where's the book? you wonder to yourself as you meander about. Recommended reading perhaps? Reader Favorites?. There's a buzz of anticipation, like when you're standing on the stoop making idle chatter with a first date. You're not quite sure if the kiss is going to happen but you know that in the next few moments you'll either be charged with excitement or really, really disappointed.

So you glance around like a parent at the playground who knows the kid is around somewhere. Fortunately, whoever designed the book's cover did a great job because all you need to do is look for the brightest, reddest book in all the land.

Then, voila. (French for "Yo!")

It's really exciting to see your book up there. Especially at eye-level and not tucked somewhere next to Monopoly - Bronx Zoo Edition. It's tingly. There's a tingle.

This kind of excitement will continue every time I walk into a bookstore for quite some time. But the pessimist in me fears that some day the electric tingle will turn into a dull, throbbing dread. Please don't be in the dollar bin. Please don't be in the dollar bin.

In the meantime, online retailers have been collected here.

Also today I'll be over at Glamour Magazine, guest-blogging on Storked!, their pregnancy blog. Feel free to stop by.

Stop-To-Type technology disables the keyboard on your mobile phone or PDA when the device detects movement. This eliminates the dangers associated with people weaving down sidewalks as they write novellas to friends, family and business associate on their personal electronic devices.

FIELD OF THE INVENTION

This invention relates generally to mobile communications equipment and common sense. More specifically, it is an improved method of communication that helps prevent innocent individuals from having to alter their on-foot transportation trajectories as a result of another party's inability to properly combine mobility and text communication methods.

SUMMARY OF THE INVENTION

1. The technology, once applied to all known text-capable communication devices, operates unobtrusively and automatically.
2. When device owner (forthwith: Marcus) determines that he must send an SMS or email message to his friend about nailing Doris after the Rangers game, he begins to use the device.
3. The invention determines whether Marcus is stationary (seated/standing) or mobile (walking down 6th Avenue).
4. If the invention determines that Marcus is in fact walking down 6th Avenue, it disables the keyboard. This prohibits Marcus from walking as he types his message about nailing Doris last night after the Rangers game. (Fig. A)
5. By disabling Marcus's ability to walk and type a message about nailing Doris last night after the Rangers game, the invention allows Marcus to focus on his personal speed and trajectory. This should help prevent Marcus from careening into me and my $2.28 Starbucks venti coffee.
6. If the invention determines that Marcus is in fact stationary, the keyboard is then enabled, allowing Marcus to type his message about nailing Doris after the Rangers game. (Fig. B)

CLAIMS

What is claimed as invention is the technology that overrides the apparent inability of electronics-bearing pedestrians to perform two simultaneous functions.

Having a TV personality plug your book is an author's dream come true. Having him tell people to go to a library to read it? Not as much, but still it's mostly music to your ears.

One thing I have learned is that as soon as you have a media appearance like this you forward it to your publicist. They in turn notify their sales force which then knows to tell their book buyers "Oh, so-and-so was on such-and-such last night" - the idea being the buyers then anticipate increased sales and buy more books. So, I dutifully forwarded the clip to my publicist... and received an out-of-office reply. She's gone until Tuesday the 29th - when the book comes out. Now, this is my first book launch so maybe I'm missing something but I have to wonder if it's normal that the publicist takes off right before the book release. It feels the same as an actor taking off during rehearsals and saying, "See you on opening night!"

I was really excited for the television debut of my new Bright Blue Shirt. I had been looking for this exact color shirt for a long time. My wife took one look at it and said it looked like I worked for Best Buy.

Still, I love my Bright Blue Shirt and hope that one day my wife will see the light. I've accepted the fact that she hates beer and doesn't care about Battlestar Galactica the way I do, but I really would like her to reconsider the shirt.

EQUIPMENT CHARGES

DVR Service Rental Fee
This is the charge for the Scientific Atlanta Digital Video Recorder that crashes every 3-6 months and erases all your programs.

HD Upgrade Fee
This is the charge for upgrading to the HD cable box that records your favorite programs in High Definition before crashing and erasing them.

Additional Converter Fee
This is the charge for the convenience of having additional cable boxes that can crash and erase your programs in different parts of the house.

Accessories Rental Fee
This is the monthly rental charge for the remote control that comes with your cable box. The remote allows you to control your cable box from the comfort of your sofa, unless the cable box is in the process of crashing, rebooting and erasing all your programs.

Service Protection Plan
This charge will keep us from charging you for coming out to replace the DVR when it crashes and erases all your programs.

TAXES AND FEES

Franchise Fee
This is the charge for being a customer of the only cable company you can be a customer of.

FCC Regulatory Fee
This charge helps the government protect you from nipples.

Access Fee
This charge insures that you have access to the cable programming you are paying to access.

Utility Tax
This charge improves your municipality, or the mayor of your municipality, depending on your municipality.

PACKAGES

Basic
Includes just enough programming to make you realize you need more packages.

Lonelyhearts Package
Includes SciFi, CatFancy, Friend On Demand and Nothing But Fuddruckers channel.

I Think My Wife Left Package
Includes ESPN, ESPN Classic, ESPN2, ESPN Latino, ESPN Classic Latino 2.

Original Programming Was Inspired By HBO Package
Includes Showtime.

I Will Watch Anything Package
Soap, QVC, HSN, Game Show Network, Video Feedback, TV Guide.

Electric Nanny Package
Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, Disney Channel, Please Stop Crying On Demand.

Postcards: 1995 premiere of Central Park West on CBS, the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, Albert Einstein, Fresh Radio (Ireland), city of Krakow, city of Poznan and a restaurant in Berlin.

The auction was picked up by several media sources here in the U.S., and much to my surprise appeared on a popular Polish news website - where some commenters who didn't quite get it eviscerated me, and others were nice enough to defend me.

Although the auction was for three postcards, the winning bid of $415 compelled me to send a few extra.

Media:
Lovely chat with Luke Burbank of KIRO Radio Seattle's Too Beautiful To Live program.

It's much nicer being on set than in the usual flash studio. In the flash studio I'm sitting alone, struggling to hear through an earpiece as I talk to a camera lens. On set there's no earpiece and I'm talking to a human. That's much nicer and more like real life, unless you're completely mental.

It's a shame the segment was only three minutes long because I could have told some great immigration & naturalization stories. In fact, I could fill a whole hour show with nothing but insight and complaining. Alas, time was short and before I knew it the floor manager was signaling that I had only a minute left. I was determined to get the "5 Years To Many" photo on there because I was appalled that such a grammatical error not only made it to the embroidery stage, but actually got walked down the streets of San Francisco. Thanks to zombietime.com for the photo and Val in MD for telling me it existed.

Read on if you want some back-story on the immigration and naturalization process.

Near the end of the ordeal, you're summoned to an interview. The point of the interview is to make sure you're still legitimately married, know passable English and were able to quickly memorize some U.S. history.

Naturally they scheduled her interview for right after the holidays when we were out of town. We had to reschedule for a date in February.

During the interview she was asked the same five questions I asked Glenn on his show. They came from a pool of 100 possible questions, most of which are fairly straightforward and, in my opinion, easy. The toughest one asks how many representatives are in Congress. The absolute stupidest one asks you the name of the form you file to apply for citizenship (N-400).

Her English test consisted of having her write "I am proud to become an American citizen."

The interviewer demanded further proof that we were married solely because we didn't have a joint bank account. We had one years back but switched banks and didn't bother setting another one up because I handle the bills. So, despite the fact that we had children and had already proven this in the past in order to get a Green Card, we suddenly needed more "proof." We're both convinced that it was more about making us jump through hoops for the hell of it one final time.

My wife was handed a document stating that we had to provide three years of joint tax returns (which they already had from the 2001 Green Card application) among several other things. We mailed those off and weeks later a letter arrived inviting us to the naturalization ceremony: 9:00 a.m. in downtown New York.

There is no mention of the fact that the proceedings would take 3.5 hours.

In fact, they say you can bring the kids. If you'd told me I'd be wrestling with a 13-month old on my lap for that length of time, I'd have made other plans, hired a baby sitter. Anything. We were under the impression - the terribly wrong impression - that you'd show up, have a little yadda-yadda, get sworn in and be on your way. Fools we were.

We arrived bright and early. 500 Pearl Street is a courthouse, and the security is tight. The line backed up so that people, myself included, found themselves standing inside the revolving door with nowhere to go as people to the rear kept trying to force it.

When you finally entered you found yourself faced with three possible line choices and no idea which one was the correct one. Once it got chaotic enough the guards started ordering people back outside into the rain. We barely made the cut.

Naturally the line we chose went the slowest. You get the full security treatment and then some. Mobile phones and cameras are taken; you're given a token to reclaim them. I was under the impression that your spouse becoming a citizen was a photo opportunity. Apparently not here. They even confiscated the toy phone we'd brought to occupy the baby.

Upon entering the Constance Baker Motley Jury Assembly Room, we were assigned seats. A USCIS official informed us that because we had kids with us we'd be processed first. That sounded great. We were seated next to another family. All our kids played together. We were happy.

A woman walked by, chatting on her phone. Apparently their mobile phone confiscation policy was not thoroughly enforced.

My wife and the New Zealander next to us were called up and processed first. They each returned with some papers, a copy of the U.S. Constitution and a history booklet. It was 9:20. Could that be the end? No. The gentleman told us we could go upstairs to the cafeteria. He said to return at 11:00 for the oath. As we headed to the cafeteria my brother arrived - he'd been trapped in the security line. If he'd arrived two minutes later he'd have been wandering around looking for us while we lounged upstairs - unable to contact us because they confiscated our phones.

For an hour and a half we got to know the New Zealander, her kids and her husband. We ate mediocre, reasonably-priced cafeteria food (kudos to the coffee) and mingled with lawyers. We entertained the 13-month old as best we could. We'd stupidly forgotten to bring his bottle or pacifier. We'd stupidly thought this would go fast. We were also approaching his nap time.

I noticed someone had dropped their U.S. Constitution on the floor. Hopefully by accident.

We returned to the crowd at 11:00. They were still processing people. Bad sign. As that went on, one official entertained the front half of the room. It sounded good - they were all laughing, but no one in the back could hear anything being said. The baby was done. He no longer wanted to spend time in the Constance Baker Motley Jury Assembly Room. He made that very clear. My brother and I took turns keeping him occupied. Keys? Bottle cap? Pen? Please?

At 11:15 we were told that the judge was headed down any moment. In an effort to keep us all occupied, the USCIS official told more jokes and explained what to expect when the judge arrived. Those of us in the back still could only make out 30% of what was being said. At one point he read off the countries that people in the room hailed from. I heard Greece, Mexico, Haiti, and Honduras. There was a New Zealander next to us. My wife represented Poland. Someone shouted "TNT!" which we eventually learned meant "Trinidad and Tobago."

At 11:35 we were told the judge was on her way. More shtick that we couldn't hear ensued. At one point the official got on the P.A. and announced he was looking for "Mister Tupac Shakur." That got a few laughs. I wondered if he did the same routine with each batch of American recruits.

The judge arrived close to noon. She had a microphone which helped us know what was actually going on. She welcomed the new immigrants, chatted about the great country and the importance of immigration in building it, hoped folks would obey the laws on the books. Unfortunately the 13-month old was having none of this. He was done. As we approached the oath - the big finale, the waterworks began. I had no bottle, no pacifier. I'm a big American dummy.

I wanted to take a picture but forgot they'd confiscated my camera. With the oath over, it was time to pick up the certificate. There were 300 people there. They started calling their names.

I left the room and stood outside with the 13-month old in a backpack. The backpack puts him behind me at ear level. This allows his high-decibel screams to go directly into my brain. It's very relaxing. The New Zealander exited with her certificate and family in tow. She'd been processed at the very beginning with my wife. It would be safe to assume my wife would be the second new citizen to exit the chamber. Right? Right? Wrong.

For 20-plus minutes Mr. Shriek pierced my eardrums as we waited and watched humanity pass us and walk by a voter registration booth on their way out. Posters invited people to register in English, Spanish, Chinese and Korean.

Here's the thing: If you can't understand "Register to Vote" in English, how can you possibly read and understand what the issues are and what the candidates' positions are? And why bother making folks take an English "test" part of the citizenship requirements if you're going to print up posters in their native tongues that encourage them to select a leader? I'm no Pat Buchanan but I think we're being a little too accommodating.

In an effort to make use of our time waiting, my brother took our tokens and went off to reclaim our cameras and phones. He returned with them a few minutes later. Within seconds a guard was on top of us.

"What are you doing with those? You can't have that here! No phones, no cameras!"

My brother mentioned that he'd picked them up from the security folks and that we were leaving. The guard stayed on message and upped the volume. The baby screamed in my ear. The three-year old wandered off. My brother took issue with the guard's tone and wound up getting escorted away. I assumed he'd been arrested. I was still waiting for my wife. It was very relaxing.

She was the second to last new citizen to leave the chamber. 12:30 p.m.

We bolted out of the building where my brother was waiting - fortunately not in handcuffs. He tried to make it a Kodak moment. The baby was hysterical, the toddler crying, I was frazzled, and after 6 years, 3 months and 18 days, my wife was American.

abcnews.com

Kaiser? That you?
TIme.com

Change!
AP News

Poor lady.
Reuters

Contra Costa Times

Don't copy this.
abcnews.com

CBS2

Tonight is the debut of Not Just Another Cable News Show on CNN Headline. I'm one of several people who slide in and out of the screen, making hopefully witty comments on a variety of news items. I was hoping to be credited as "Author, In the Event of My Untimely Demise but the producers of a show called Not Just Another Cable News Show shot me an email telling me that my title was too long.

Other commenters include Huffington Post writer Rachel Sklar, former Daily Show writer Chris Regan, and comedian Hugh Fink.

7p and 9p Saturday & Sunday on CNN Headline.

Your hair, O does it shine! Slick'd into armor.
Endeavoring to announce your lofty title
Perchance a broker, salesman or lender be?
And your gait, noble gait! 'Tis rapid and confident.
Assur'd you are of your position in life's menagerie.

Alas, there is bird shit on your back.

Unbeknown'st to you, dear prince, an avian of genus unknown hath struck.
And placed on thine back a kingly amount of air dropp'd faeces.
Such cruel fate that nightingale or lark hath chanced to mar your good fortune!
O, how bitter a thing it is to not knowest one bears copious droppings.

In the tangl'd humanity of 14th Street did I bear witness to
thine misfortune, so boldly announc'd.
Your regal airs so vilely usurped by traitorous, uncaring bowels.
Make haste! Get thee to an apothecary!

Thus has Heavenly-sent mischief laid waste your kingdom;
The valiant die once, those burdened with guano die many times over.
Such sweet sorrow to shuffle off one's coat, only to be tutored:
In addition to greatness, some also have bird shit thrust upon them.