Do you live in beautiful Durango, Colorado? Are you going to the Durango Independent Film Festival this weekend? OH MY GOD! That's completely awesome because my short, swear-laden, kind of violent mob comedy The Deposition of Lou Bagetta will be screening there this Friday and Saturday.

The Durango Telegraph's Willie Krischke declared Deposition "my favorite short in the festival" and there's a lover-ly photo of lead actors Patrick Gallo and Dan Olivo in the Durango Herald. So they're totally famous there now and they can walk around saying, "Yeah, that's right."

Defendant: Chili's Restaurants, a wholly owned subsidiary of Brinker International (NYSE: EAT).

Count 1: Negligent apostrophe usage in the construction of a possessive.

Count 2: Mass distribution of grammatical malfeasance.

Count 3: Distribution of grammatical malfeasance across state lines.

Report: Officer Graeber of the SFPD Morphology & Syntax Crimes Unit was off-duty and, unfortunately, at Chili's. Officer was perusing the drink menu in an effort to find a sugary alcoholic beverage with a name concocted by an advertising agency, with which she intended to dull the pain of being inside a Chili's. It was during this time that the officer spotted the infraction and recorded the evidence so that she could report it to her superiors when she was back on-duty and not at Chili's.

Fine: Seizure & destruction of all offending materials. 85 pounds of baby back ribs.

Can a self-described musical genius possibly compare to a small East African republic? Sure! In a world where the Pope can have an opinion on airport body scanners, absolutely anything is possible. We put the post-colonial nation and the tiny-penised Grammy hoarder side-by-side and here's what we found:

SIZE
Kenya is slightly more than twice the size of Nevada. But Kanye's ego is larger than life itself. No contest. Point: KANYE

FINANCES
Though Kanye considers himself priceless his net worth is actually in the neighborhood of $25-30 million; certainly not too shabby for a semi-literate, boorish, megalomaniac. But, with its 2008 GDP of $62.4 billion Kenya could buy Kanye many, many times over. It could even afford the hefty $50 million price tag Russia's space agency would charge to launch Kanye into a geosynchronous orbit. Point: KENYA

CLIMATE
Kenya's diverse climate ranges from tropical on the coastline all the way to arid on the interior. That's actually not too much different from Kanye who ranges from heated/angry on the outside all the way to empty on the inside. Point: DRAW

INFANT MORTALITY RATE
Kenya's infant mortality rate is 54.7 per 1,000 live births, putting it right ahead of Cambodia and right behind Azerbaijan. Kanye finds himself above top-rated Singapore (2.31/1,000) because, as far as we know, the Grammy-winner has neither produced any babies nor killed any during childbirth; a fortunate fact not only for Kanye but for the whole world. Point: KANYE

OTHER NAMES
Kenya was originally called the British East African Protectorate, but since 1920 has been known by his current name. Though originally called Kanye in 1977, the Atlantan has also acquired a variety of colorful names ranging from asshat to festering twatwaffle. Point: KANYE

RELIGION
Kenya is home to a variety of religions including a majority of Protestant and Roman Catholic faithful, as well as Muslims and many indigenous tribal religions. Unfortunately, Kanye's unwavering faith in himself as the center of the universe is incredibly powerful but not technically a religion. Point: KENYA

LANGUAGES
Kenya's official languages are English and Kiswahili. Numerous indigenous languages are spoken throughout the country. Kanye's official language is English (not fluent) and ALL CAPS which he uses in email correspondence. Point: KENYA

HAZARDS
The nation of Kenya is subject to recurring drought and flooding during rainy seasons, both natural disasters that can not be avoided. Kanye is subject mainly to man-made disasters, including but not limited to: disrupting benefit concerts with tirades, disrupting awards shows with tirades, playing the race card, pouting and stomping, and general behavioral malfeasance. Point: KENYA

THE WINNER
We hope Mr. West will take consolation in the fact that he's totally special and really, amazingly talented and probably should have won if the world wasn't out to get him but the wee East African republic managed to - just barely, Kanye! Don't be upset! - squeeze past history's greatest musician ever. Match: KENYA

Breakdowns can range in size from one sentence to a whole paragraph. Here's one:

DENNY - Male, 18 to play 15-18, open ethnicity. Asthmatic, heavy breathing, loud, overly nerdy, & socially awkward. He could tell you what Captain Kirk said in scene three, line two, of episode 43. Improv experience preferred. Knowledge of comic books, video games, computers, & anything geeky preferred.

And here's another one. It's shorter, but you still can get a sense of what they're looking for:

JONES - African American male. Age late 30's to early 50's. He is Taja's 'bad boy' boyfriend.

And here is the worst, laziest breakdown I've ever seen:

"Dubai's police chief said on Monday that an 11-person team of trained killers with European passports carried out the mysterious assassination of a senior Hamas official last month in a Dubai hotel." [New York Times]

CARROT TOP - Comedian
"I would have a page in the budget that has a big bite taken out of it. Then I would have the President hold it up and say, 'This must be page ate!' Get it? It's like they ate the page, which is a pun on the word eight."

MEL GIBSON - Film star
"The budget, like a movie, needs to keep the viewer riveted. Every chapter should infer that a shadowy network controls the economy. We keep people guessing until the very end, and then we go off on Jews and call our publicists."

KIM KARADASHIAN - Fragrance
"I would pepper it with inexcusable spelling and grammatical errors, like my Twitter updates hases."

QUENTIN TARANTINO - Director
"I'd have you reading about the Department of Labor, then a quick flashback to the Department of Veteran's Affairs expenditures in 2007, then back to present-day Department of Labor, and then suddenly you're looking at a blood-spattered chart highlighting the Department of Education's purchase of laptops in 2005."

DIDDY - Musician
"I would record myself saying "Uh huh" and "Mmmm Hmmm" over the 2009 Budget, and release it as the 2011 Budget."

The Deposition of Lou Bagetta, the short film I made that I won't stop talking about much to your annoyance, is screening this weekend at the Connecticut Film Festival. The film is traveling the country screening at festivals now as part of the LA Comedy Shorts Film Festival's Best of Fest program.

It's on this Saturday the 13th at 3:00pm in Old Saybrook at the Katherine Hepburn Cultural Arts Center which Connecticutians call The Kate for obvious reasons.

I understand that you're probably all good and liquored up by Saturday afternoon, but if you can find a designated driver go check it out:

Here's the link.

Defendant: Artepasta Restaurant, Greenwich Avenue, New York.

Count 1: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.

Count 2: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.

Count 3: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.

Count 4: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.

Report: Officer diverted his routine patrol and was headed towards the part of Greenwich Village known as "Little Britain" when the incident was noticed and recorded on a digital incident recording device. Officer believes the area to be rife with superfluous apostrophes and recommends that the area be patrolled more regularly.

Fine: $440 worth of liquor (well drinks only).

Over the last several years this panel has analyzed the policy and conducted thorough observations of militaries all over the world. The panel has come to the conclusion that the policy is outdated and needs to be modified by all branches of the armed forces, with the exception of the 223rd Tactical Heterosexual Artillery Brigade, for obvious reasons.

Reasons we should alter the current policy:

• Of NATO's 26 member nations, 22 currently permit openly gay individuals to serve. France has gone so far as to demand that all their soldiers be bi-curious in the event of a long siege.
• In the European Union, only Greece forbids homosexuals from serving. This strikes the panel as weird because they have an island called "Lesbos" and all the famous ancient Greek military guys were super gay. Especially Transvesticles.
• Russia and China outright forbid homosexuals from serving, so when we go to war with Russia and China we'll be able to rally gay troops by pointing and saying, "Those guys hate your freedoms and your alternative lifestyle. Charge!"
• In the seventeen years the policy has been in effect, over 13,000 members of the armed services have been discharged. These are soldiers who were trained at great expense to the taxpayer and who we will need to shoot at other people when the Mayans attack in 2012.
• Numerous studies have offered conclusive proof that air-to-ground missiles are deadly regardless of the sexual orientation of the launch-button-pusher.
• People should probably be used to the idea seeing as Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. aired over 40 years ago.

• The Don't Ask Don't Tell policy runs the risk of inciting gay soldiers to be like Oscar Wilde and say outrageously witty things to their superiors. This is not good for discipline.
• Assuming they live up to the stereotype, gay soldiers will make the barracks more comfortable by color-coordinating things. We also believe they have access to discounts on scented candles that the heterosexual community does not.
• While their straight counterparts are off-base getting drunk and impregnating Okinawans, gay soldiers will use their weekend passes to quietly go antiquing.
• When observing enemy troops via Predator drone, it'd be cool to have someone in the room who can come up with hilariously caustic comments about their wardrobe, like those guys on the Bravo network.
• The United States Government could sell Don't Ask, Don't Tell to the Las Vegas tourism bureau, and recoup some of the cost of discharging 13,000 perfectly good soldiers.

• We recommend not kicking gay people out of the armed forces unless they insist on running around in chaps when they're supposed to be sniping the enemy.
• We recommend coming up with a catchy name for this new policy of not caring about the sexual orientation of soldiers because all governmental policies need a catchy name. Some ideas:

Operation About Face.

Let's Just Focus On Killing The Bad Guys, Then.

OK, But Not In The Humvee.

Recently, al Qaeda CEO Osama bin Laden went on a tirade about America's complicity in the climate crisis. Some media outlets have speculated that such a stunt represents the organization's desperation to stay relevant. However, this is not the first time Al Qaeda's opinionated chatterbox has strayed beyond his usual comfort zone in order to vent some fury. In fact, when it comes to the sassy Saudi no one is safe.

BARISTAS LEAVE TOO MUCH ROOM FOR MILK (May 2007)

"And now we laugh, seeing how America has lost its credibility and is viewed as a tool of the imperialist, colonialist empires, and one that most notably leaves too much room for milk in its venti coffees, even when its citizens specifically stated that they desired nothing more than a large black coffee. Even as Bush continues his warmongering abroad and assists the Zionists in their occupation of Palestine, he helms a so-called democracy that is unable to simply fill the cup all the way to the top. One that cheats its own citizens by leaving an inch of room for milk in a $2.50 cup of coffee, when not a single millimeter of room was wanted."

FACEBOOK REDESIGN (October 2009)

"Where is the justice in changing the layout on the faithful user? Where is your precious "freedom" for which you fight and die, when you too find yourself cast from your area of comfort, into an unfamiliar land, like our Palestinian brothers for whom we shall never rest? You leave us with no choice but to become a fan of "Bring Back The Old Layout Or We're Gone."

TIME OUT NEW YORK KEEPS RECOMMENDING RESTAURANTS IN BROOKLYN (November 2008)

"All praise is due to Allah, who built the heavens and earth in justice, and created man as a favor and grace from Him and who in his infinite wisdom saw to it that Time Out New York would cover all the glorious and wonderful events and dining venues in New York City. But the cancerous touch of the Deceivers has made it such that one will read with great interest about a restaurant opening - only to realize that the restaurant is in Red Hook or Park Slope, where Manhattanites can not be bothered to go. And so just as the Deceivers mislead you about their plan of oppression in the Middle East, they also mislead about their plan to promote Brooklyn. Presumably because the writers all live there and really want it to be hip."

JAY LENO RETURNS TO TONIGHT SHOW (January 2010)

"For ten long years our mujahedeen fought the great power of the Soviet Union with nothing more than simple weapons. Through patience and steadfastness we bled their economy until there was no more blood in its veins. Through patience and steadfastness we brought a superpower to its knees. And through patience and steadfastness we shall bring the armies of the West to their knees. That we have patience and steadfastness is known to all. But if you think for a minute that I'm going to sit through another "Jay Walking" segment, you're fooling yourself. I honestly don't know what Jeff Zucker is smoking, Peace Be Upon Him."

My short film The Deposition of Lou Bagetta will be making the film festival rounds again as part of the LA Comedy Shorts "Best of Fest" program. They're touring festivals showing off favorites from the 2009 festival, and Deposition is one of them.

Ultimately I'd like to release the film on iTunes or Amazon as a cheap-o download. Problem: Wang Chung. I made a Wang Chung song an integral part of the film and securing the distribution rights beyond the festival rights that we already have is cumbersome. I'm just hoping Wang Chung will go easy on me, although a legal case titled Brian Sack v. Wang Chung would be totally awesome sounding.

The much-anticipated sequel to Peacekeepers: Prompt Deployment expands the franchise from bureaucratic decision-making to all-out observation with binoculars.

PROS:
Realistic, indecisive AI • Responsive binoculars • Blue hats • Sound design

CONS:
Can't understand what Ban Ki- moon is saying half the time

At the end of Peacekeepers: Prompt Deployment, players left an eight-hour committee meeting wondering "What next?" Well, I'm happy to report that Peacekeepers 2:Tactical Observation picks up from that exact point and answers the question in no uncertain terms: "I don't know. Let's watch and see."

At the game open the player finds himself (girls don't play video games) in an immersive world of realistic bureaucracy coupled with a can-do spirit that's kept in check by the special interests of the Security Council.

While locked in intense negotiations with the Russians and Chinese, the player must make concessions that allow the Russians to freely annex the Republic of Georgia while the Chinese censor Google and execute dissidents. This is done by pressing the X button repeatedly for 27 minutes. After those and other concessions have been made and Sino-Russian obstacles removed, an agreement is reached that UN peacekeeping forces will be sent to the troubled region of Sudanistan. This fictional nation, which is based on current events, has been struggling under a civil war and the cruel oppression of a theocratic government that is not Islamic.

After issuing a resolution condemning Israel for something, troops are dispatched to the region - and that's when the fun really starts.

From high up in your tower you can scan the horizon with some of the most realistic binoculars in any video game to-date. The binoculars can zoom in and out, focus and be stored in a dust-proof box, just like real binoculars. Want to see what's going on over to the left? Just push your controller's left stick to the left. What about to the right? Just push your controller's stick to the right. If you're so inclined, you can keep turning to the right until you've gone a full 360 degrees - allowing you to see everything around you!

The developers have gone to great lengths to recreate what you might see in your binoculars. It might be a rusty car. A sheep. An old boot. Perhaps a shrub. Ooh! Did you just see gun-toting militiamen? Nope, it's a group of happy school children carrying an easel.

On the odd occasion when you do see something truly out of the ordinary you have the ability to either watch it or look somewhere else. If you watch it, you'll be asked to file a detailed report which will then be placed in a manila folder. In one instance, I thought for sure that I was watching several people being executed by government paramilitary forces. I used the right trigger to phone my superiors who repeatedly asked me if I was sure that's what I saw. When I hung up, there was no trace of the gunmen or victims - if there even were any - so I focused my amazing binoculars on a feral dog I saw rummaging through highly detailed trash. Again, the designers spared no expense.

One of the things I like most about Peacekeepers 2 is that you don't have guns. I mean - sure, you have guns (if you select the third-person viewing option you will see one slung over your shoulder) but you don't actually use them. They just exist to try and deter bad behavior. The game design is so detailed that if you turn the right way sunlight reflects off of your constantly-shouldered rifle.

In the end, Peacekeepers 2: Tactical Observation is the most realistic first-person non-shooter on the market. With two games under their belt already, the developers have such a head start on the competition that it'll be a miracle if anyone else manages to break into this genre. We'll see how Activision fares in 2011 with the release of Recalled from Duty: Modern Troop Withdrawal.

This is an excellent internet advertisement for ClassesUSA that I tripped over recently. It does all the things an advertisement should do, and it does them well. I know this because for many years I worked in advertising.

RULE #1: A good ad always mentions that the president wants you to do something.

Everyone loves a president, except for roughly half of the population who did not vote for him. But for the ones who did? They love when the president tells them what he wants them to do. With the exception, I suppose, of those folks who don't like political figures telling them what to do.

RULE #2: A good ad targets people other than you.

I personally love it when an ad targets someone other than the person looking at it. It makes me feel good to know there are other people in the world who are different than I am, and I enjoy seeing ads directed at them. In this case, the ad is targeting child-bearing moms who are receptive to President Obama wanting them to buy an arguably worthless college degree from a meagerly accredited, shady online university.

It's odd because the advertiser is owned by Experian, the corporate behemoth that tracks all of us and our credit histories. They could probably very easily discern who I am and everything about me by looking at their vast electronic library of stored information. Instead they show me an ad targeting under-educated, subservient moms. Kudos.

RULE #3: A good ad has a picture of a freakish Charles Manson type who has absolutely nothing to do with the headline.

Obama wants moms to go back to school? Homeless man mugshot. It makes perfect sense to me. You might expect to see a photo of a mom. Or a woman of some sort, anyway. Someone who might tie in to the headline. No way. This is a good ad, and a good ad doesn't bother with that. A good ad wants you to go, "What the hell?" as you look at a what could easily be a pedophile's mugshot.

So there you have it. A brilliant ad concocted by marketing geniuses somewhere out there in the vast Internet. Or maybe in Boise, at some marketing firm located in a step-mom's basement. It makes me want to get back into advertising.

Bonus points for the mouse-type at the bottom. It's a legal disclaimer for a testimonial that's not actually in the ad.

Facebook ad. And while I like it better than the ones telling me that Obama wants me to refinance, I'd be a wee bit hesitant to apply to a college that asks questions like this.