Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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This is archive of all posts on banterist.com


Migration to Medium

Medium is all the rage these days. I was introduced to it not very long ago, and it’s grown on me. So, I decided to migrate the most popular posts from Banterist over to a new publication on Medium – which I’ve cleverly also called Banterist. There you can find Banterist posts dating as far back…


I Will Destroy Your Child’s Drawings For You

I know exactly what happened. You made a baby. Years later your progeny formed the muscles he or she needed to hold a crayon. Immediately, your adorable little creature started drawing stuff. Since that time, your darling child has been creating works of art. Precious works of art. So precious that you can’t bear to…


Why Are These Zombies So Brittle?

Hey Gang, I know it’s been a crazy few months with all the running for our lives and the collapse of society and all that. You’re family to me and I love you, but something’s been nagging at me and I just need to put it out there. Why are these zombies so brittle? Anybody…


What it’s Like to be Attacked by a Monkey

Most of us will go through our lives without being attacked by a monkey. That’s a pleasant statistical fact. Unless you are an organ grinder or work in a zoo, you have no day-to-day experience with monkeys. Your day consists of thoughts like I am going to get a pumpkin spice latte or I need…


Bad News from Mars

Hi Houston. Bad news. Mars is inhospitable to bees. Commander Orinsky was convinced that some of our science bees “might enjoy” some fresh air, but as soon as the airlock door opened they did this thing where they stopped flying and fell down. We thought it might be a trick but it wasn’t, so we’re…



Hillary 4.0 Release Notes

Hillary 2.0 (Release date September 2013) Eliminated “assumption of nomination” feature from 1.0 release. Reconfigured and/or removed several key decision-making algorithms from 1.0 release. Worked to streamline nomination function by incorporating strategic elements from Obama 1.0. Modified several stances to take advantage of changes to current political operating system. Added several features to help improve…



To The Staff of Naked Ladies Magazine

It is with a heavy heart that I announce that this will be the last issue of Naked Ladies magazine. When my father founded Naked Ladies in 1969, he was a trailblazer. There were magazines, of course, but none that featured naked ladies. He saw an opportunity and he went for it. Naked Ladies was…



Memo to My Campaign Staff

Adored Campaign Staff, With my presidential offensive in full swing, we need to be two steps ahead of the “gotcha” media in every way. Preparedness is key. It’s imperative that we wargame how we’ll handle them in any situation. For example, let’s imagine photos emerge where I’m standing in the middle of a Harvard frat…


Associated Global Systems – We Almost Deliver

Creative Brief for advertising copywriters Client: Associated Global Systems – a national corporation that tries unsuccessfully to deliver things. Objective: To establish Associated Global Systems as the “go to” shipping company for when you want most, but not all, of your packages delivered. Background: Coming on the heels of our very successful “Let Us Lose…







Yelp Review: Barry’s Boot Camp

My dream was to pay a lot of dollars to navigate a tiny plot of sweat-drenched real estate in the dark while a tiny man with a microphone shouted orders over soulless uptempo music. I lived it. The dark room is permeated by a red glow – just like they have on submarines. This is…


Yelp Review: Morgenstern’s Fine Ice Cream

I grew up in the 70s as the child of an executive at Howard Johnson’s. The only flavor in my freezer was Howard Johnson’s Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. However, I did not like Howard Johnson’s Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. I have to wonder how much different life would be if I’d had access…


Yelp Review: Apple Berry iPhone Repair

My night table was not where I thought it was. As a result, my beloved iPhone 5S was placed on top of oxygen atoms which are sadly lacking in solidity. Had I placed the phone on top of the carbon, hydrogen and oxygen atoms present in my wood night table, there would not have been…