From New York, original humor & commentary by Brian Sack.
Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

Satire

Panel Report: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

From the onset, the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy established seventeen years ago under the Clinton Administration has been controversial....Read on...

Avatar: True Facts

The entire film was created on a MacBook Pro with a pirated copy of Adobe After Effects. This is...Read on...

Peacekeepers 2: Tactical Observation for the Xbox

The much-anticipated sequel to Peacekeepers: Prompt Deployment expands the franchise from bureaucratic decision-making to all-out observation with binoculars. PROS:...Read on...

Disappointing Erotica

His warm tongue traced around her navel before heading south to flirt with the thin lace of her panties. She...Read on...

Jury Duty Tips

We're blessed to live in a country where each and every individual (not you, felons!) can participate in the justice system. A trial by a jury of our peers is one of our inalienable rights, and serving as a juror is not only a privilege but a civic obligation. That said, jury duty can be a dreadfully tedious ordeal that you'd really like to get the hell out of - like if the trial will last a month and is about rich people suing other rich people over a bent building. Read on...

Victim Impact Statement

I know Michael will have to live with the fact that he helped a gully kill his best friend via remote-controlled helicopter. I hope the memories of this will knock on the door of his consciousness like a Jehovah's Witness coming by with copies of Watchtower magazine. Read on...

Psychic Pediatrician

My two-year old son has been waking in the middle of the night in an absolute hysterical state, shrieking and completely inconsolable for 10-30 minutes. This has happened for several days in a row now. What can we do?Read on...

For Child Left Behind

Read on...

2008 Letter to Shareholders

It should come as no surprise that 2008 was, by far, the toughest year our company has seen.Read on...

If Hitler Hated Disorganized Closets Instead of Jews

A nation that understands the profound essence of its struggle and feels itself to be the purest embodiment of organizational savvy, will with almost mathematical certainty some day emerge victorious. The Motherland shall inevitably win her rightful position on this earth if she is led and her closets dutifully purged and organized according to the same principles.Read on...

Michael Briss's Face Workshop For Actors

A downloadable PDF poster....Read on...

Trump's Latest Masterpiece

"Have I Told You How Wealthy I Am?" is the latest in a series of books by Donald Trump that attempt to make sure everyone knows that he is very, very rich and he is great at business.Read on...

72nd Irrational Response Force

IRF came under small arms fire while en route to new encampment site in Flajaba. Determined that fire was coming from a hilltop NW of position. Ordered Alpha company to flank while Bravo made a nest from twigs and discarded water bottles. Made PFC Ramirez "King for a Day" and set fire to what looked to be a tool shed.Read on...

Take Your Debtor To Work Day

07:33 Pick Adam up at his East Village apartment. I remind him he owes me $800. He says he's got...Read on...

Rachael Ray Accepts Your Offer

With this handy contract, Rachael Ray can endorse your product in under 30 minutes.Read on...

Hemberton College Bulletin

Barrett Chandler (Business) tells us "I eventually settled down and found myself a wife, but deep down I'm still the same intolerable, misogynistic prick you remember."Read on...

Excerpts from Almost Wise

Later that week I was summoned to a meeting with Louis "Chops" De Luca. It was there I learned that I would soon not be inducted into the mob.Read on...

Hair Club For Mensa

Do not face Androgenetic Alopecia alone.Read on...

The PandaBank Difference

There's a new bank in town. Perhaps you've seen our stickers on a light pole.Read on...

Dr. Phil's Meds Expire

A lot of people ask me what the secret is to a successful marriage and I am happy to tell them: it is berries.Read on...

The Week In Garfield

A weekly analysis of the world's greatest cartoon.Read on...

Best. Buy. Ever.

Employees I've dealt with at electronics mega-retailer Best Buy, placed in other lines of work.Read on...

MTA Subway Store - Germphobic Specials

For the straphanger who's afraid to have everything.Read on...

Frequently Asked Questions FAQ

FAQs explained.Read on...

Six Petty Squabbles That Destroyed Mega Force

Mega Force was the most elite unit of the Galactic Army. They prepared for duty with very intense training and enjoyed state-of-the-art equipment. Their members were hailed as heroes in all corners of the universe. Mega Force was disbanded in 2134 because of internal bitching.Read on...

Sky Mall: For The Shameless Traveler

For the savvy traveler who doesn't care what people think.Read on...

How To Make Money In Stocks

Stocks are in a sense tiny pieces of a company. Owning even a single share lets you bully and harass the staff of that particular company's operation and preface your complaints with "As a shareholder..." For example: "As a shareholder, I'm very upset this Home Depot is sold out of my favorite twine."Read on...

Camp Falsehopes

Where do concepts like "aptitude", "intelligence" and "paying one's dues" find themselves smothered to death by a big duvet of denial?Read on...

A Million Little Explanations

In the wake of James Frey's comeuppance on Oprah, and with my own memoir of hardship, addiction and persecution heading to press, I feel it behooves me to come clean now...Read on...

Good Psychic, Lousy Guidance Counselor

"Berklee School of Music is great, but you need to weigh their price tag with the fact you'll never sell...Read on...

Ben Podcasts From A Trunk

Hi, it's my first podcast, so I hope it comes out well. I have a great microphone and about two hours left on my laptop. And I'm locked in the trunk of a car, so if you hear me, please come help me.Read on...

The Twelve Days of eBay

WOW! Mint condition partridge in pear tree **NO RESERVE** Read on...

This Monkey Means Love

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "What will I do with an animatronic monkey?" "Why would you buy an animatronic monkey for my anniversary?" "What were you thinking when you purchased an animatronic monkey from the Sharper Image?"Read on...

Not Very Good Book Of The Month Club

Sign up now and get a copy of whatever Dan Brown just wrote.Read on...

The World's Most Comprehensive Junk Email

Good afternoon. My name is Ethics T. Foreclosure. I am a former account supervisor of Mr. Charles Mbobo who recently reached his ideal weight thanks to Hoodia, the miracle root from Africa. I received your contact information via Plaxo...Read on...

Global Humor Workshop: France

Reaching out to analyze and understand the humor of other cultures. Today's lesson: France.Read on...

Superficial Voter's Guide - NYC 2005

A non-partisan guide for judgemental New York voters.Read on...

CSI: Allergy Response Unit

Season One (Final Season)Read on...

The Fund For Ribbons

With your help, we can fight something.Read on...

Backwards Swastika Brand Vegetarian Barbecue Sauce

Sauce und Ehre!Read on...

Bourne Prophecies

Bournes to be.Read on...

The New York Regrettable Film Festival

Highlights from this year's entries.Read on...

My Mayor Makes The City Safe

When random, politically correct violations of the Fourth Amendment aren't enough.Read on...

Future Mission Scrubs

STS-123: Gull droppings in employee parking lot.Read on...

Welcome to the MTA Subway Store!

Introducing the Orwell XL Transparent Backpack, for New York's busy subway commuters.Read on...

French Bred

Films inspired by two weeks in France.Read on...

MacGuffin's Crime Prevention Tips

De-escalate tense situations by suggesting you have a common fear of Carrot Top.Read on...

Tom Cruise for the Xbox

Coming sooner than we thought.Read on...

AOL Chat With Stevie Wonder

MODERATOR: Go ahead RugaTugg22.Read on...

Why Our SWAT Team Needs A Monkey

Monkeys are disarming. Criminals are often armed. Therefore, monkeys can disarm criminals.Read on...

Shakespeare Decides To Iron His Pants

No skill at wit nor craft at jest could strong enough be to overcome the outrageous provocation of pants unsmoothed.Read on...

The Ultimate Wealth-Building Pitch Letter

The life you want is right there...You can even demand that Melrose Place actress Lisa Rinna make pasta for you. Every day. Wearing only boxing gloves and a swastika. Read on...

Why Native American Pizza Franchises Fail

Why all Navajo Dominos are doomed to fail.Read on...

Effects Of Toilet Water On The LG VX-7000 Cellular Phone

This is one in a string of tests of electronic devices conducted by 9-Month Old Scientist, coming right on the heels of the groundbreaking Effects Of A Hardwood Floor On The Logitech Harmony Remote Control, the notable Aerodynamic Properties Of Battery-Operated Devices and the memorable Potential Hazards Of Diaper Cream On Sony Portable CD Players.Read on...

Please Come To Cannibal Island

On Cannibal Island you will experience a paradise that has not changed in hundreds of years; aside from the no more cannibalism, of course. You can stroll the pathways to the top of Foreign Scream Mountain - where many a condemned visitor took their last breath until cannibalism was frowned upon, as it is now.Read on...

Notes From An Undisciplined Wine Taster

McIlroy Cellars 1999 Aquarius Ranch Chardonnay Lots going on here. Citrus. Vanilla. Butter. Very floral nose. Deep. Quite enjoyable. Can't stop drinking it.Read on...

Deposition

Deposition by Lou Bagetta, who is immortal, regarding Joe Gusto, the Mob's worst hit-man.Read on...

The Missing Instructions

THE BARE MIDRIFF If the midriff hangs over the top of the pants, consider not exposing it until that doesn't happen any more. Because of egregious abuse, it is illegal to expose the midriff in Holyhead. The midriff is a privilege and not a right.Read on...

Take 12 Acting Academy

The Stuff Your Dad Would Disown You For class is designed especially to remove any restrictive mind-set of pride that you might still be burdened with. As an actor you must be free, and to be free you must be able to go to shopping without pants on. Read on...

Report to Shareholders

I am pleased to report a banner year for Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries.Read on...

Community Theatre Bios

Donovan has appeared in the Carnival Cruise Line production of Les Miserables and is a founding member of The Chuckles, an ensemble of clowns that terrify terminally ill children in various hospital wards. His real name is Ted Weed.Read on...

My Porn Library

In Denial of Long-Term Consequences, Vol. 4Read on...

Internet Explorer Plug-Ins You Don't Need

Uncle Desmond Simulates Alzheimer's by opening random web pages, randomizing passwords and filling your bathtub with pillows.Read on...

A Public Message From Sean P. Diddy Combs

TiVo or Die!Read on...

Impulse Bride Weekly

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So, You Want To Be A Germ Freak

While most of us quaff martinis and laugh at each other's jokes, the truly accomplished germ-phobic isn't so easily distracted. He's thinking about the olives: The bartender touched the olives with the same hands she takes money with. There's probably a trace of pee on them.Read on...

Aelfred of Dunwoody Recalls a Viking Incursion at Wal-Mart, 848 AD.

As the gardening aisle braced for the onslaught of these merciless philistines we could hear the blood-curdling screams of the unfortunates who had taken refuge in the CD section. The Vikings slaughtered them to a man, and in their berserk fury did destroy a multitude of CDs in a section that spanned from John Mayer to White Stripes.Read on...

Message Threads From The Negligent Parent Forum

How can I stop my baby from teething? Where’s a good place to learn my kidren? How do u...Read on...

The Starbucks Glossary

Abridged.Read on...

The Platinum MetroCard

With the Platinum MetroCard you'll not only enjoy all the traditional benefits standard MetroCard holders enjoy, you'll enjoy unprecedented class and service - the subway is your oyster.Read on...

Professor Morley's Scientific Conclusions Regarding Bees

A bee can not support the weight of a portrait of Harriet Tubman.Read on...

I Do (for the time being)

Ashton wheels his beloved anywhere she wants to go without complaint, which would be pointless because her hearing went a few years ago. When they kiss, there is an electricity in the air, caused in part by Demi's polyester gown.Read on...

A Day In The Love Life Of An A-List Celebrity

11:28a: He approaches as I'm eating a carrot. Small talk. He brushes my elbow! It feels electric. I ask Annette to issue a press release hinting there may once again be love on the horizon for me.Read on...

How Past Girlfriends Could Have Changed History

Originally appeared on McSweeney's.Read on...

Review: Tom Clancy's Brunch Force Delta

The first-person shooter featuring the elite commando force that has kept the late-morning/early-afternoon dining crowd safe since the end of the Cold War.Read on...

What's Your Problem?

If you don't believe that there's a cure for everything, you may need Risperdal 3mg.Read on...

The Restaurant Inspector's Nightmare

The menu that launched a thousand inspections.Read on...

Why I Am Leaving The Troupe

When The King Of Kings Isn't The King Of Comedy.Read on...

Paris Hilton For The Xbox

Screenshots from the next phase of Ms. Hilton's soiling of the planet.Read on...

Field Guide To Online Dating Profile Photography

As Illustrated By A Half-Asian Baggage HandlerRead on...

How To Sell A Lecherous Frenchman on eBay

Tips and tricks for getting the most from your eBay auction.Read on...

The Mayor Introduces Operation Sh

In which the Mayor of New York tackles a new enemy, and asks if you wouldn't mind turning that down a little.Read on...

Citrus Orchard Simulator

The latest offering for Xbox and PlayStation2.Read on...

Elisabeth Kubler Ross Watching The Sopranos

On Death and Dying On HBORead on...

News For Pigeons

All the fair and balanced news that's fit to print, for pigeons.Read on...

The Apprentice, M.E.

"In retrospect, I should not have assumed in any way that your ability to win a song and dance competition, rodeo, obstacle course and home redecoration challenge would in any way be proof that you had talents, or indeed training, as a medical examiner."Read on...

Unappeasable al Qaeda

"Add to this the insult of waiting nearly 30 minutes for Key Lime Pie, and there should be no doubt as to why we have begun martyrdom operations against your restaurant."Read on...

The Forgiving Theatre Critic

"Knowing that McDaniels has been quite sad as of late makes me hesitant to point out such historical inaccuracies as his FDR having working legs."Read on...

Losing Your Hard Drive Is Like Taking A Nice Vacation

So hectic is our multi-gigabyte life we forget to sit back, relax, and lose all of our data.Read on...

Hamas's Refreshing Orange Zionist Conspiracy Beverage

To all current and prospective retailers of Hamas' Refreshing Orange Zionist Conspiracy Beverage.Read on...

Transcript of Bin Laden's 9/11 Testimony

Transcript of the al Qaeda Chairman's testimony before the 9/11 Commission. Read on...

Advertising Strategy: Greater Balboa

From the Greater Balboa Ministry of Tourism & SuchRead on...

Hey New York, Recycling's Back!

What can and can't be recycled.Read on...

Saddam's Interrogation Logs

Excerpts from the ongoing interrogation of Saddam Hussein. One of the most popular McSweeney's pieces.Read on...

FAQ: Why Israel Killed the Lord of The Rings Guy

Banterist explains Israel's assassination of Saruman the White (played by Christopher Lee).Read on...

Neckface Franchise Available

An exciting ground floor opportunity.Read on...

Half-Assed Stock Tips

Banterist knows as much as most brokers do.Read on...

The Film School Commencement Speech

Four years ago, all of you seated before me were blank slates. You came here from all over the country...Read on...

Churchill During NPR Pledge Week

Past meets annoying present.Read on...

Class Notes

Reading between the lines.Read on...

Now Hiring At Showtime

Showtime needs help, sooner or later.Read on...

Tourist's Declaration of Understanding

A very important travel document.Read on...

Ultimate Caesar Salad

This is the same kind of Caesar Salad you'd pay $12 for a French guy to bring you. Ingredients: 2...Read on...

Helpful Tips For Actors

Make sure to criticize the writing of the commercial. Even better if someone associated with the advertising agency or client...Read on...

Non-Celebrity Sightings

Guy who kind of looked like Angela Lansbury at the Union Square Starbucks. He ordered a medium mocha. 8:32am. Guy...Read on...

Memo Re: "The Reagans"

Selected items from the Moonves Memo regarding the reasons behind CBS cancelling "The Reagans": 'Kill 'em all and let God...Read on...

Possible Closing Lines for a Defendant Who Has Chosen to Represent Himself

"My client professes his innocence. And when I look in the mirror and see his eyes, I just have to...Read on...

Eulogy For Charles

Hello ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for coming today. I wasn't a close friend of Charles. He didn't have many close...Read on...

Uses for 311

311 is New York City's New Phone Number for Government Information and Services. Among the many services accessible through 311, you can...Read on...

Convenient Gangsta Press Release

Press release for up-and-coming artist ________________.Read on...

New York Sidewalk Trivia

Did you know the average time it takes any stationary object to be sprayed with dog urine is nine minutes?Read on...

Modern Commandments For Modern Times

It's clear that in this day and age the Ten Commandments as originally written are just not up to the task of dealing with all the nuances of modern life. Read on...