From New York, a weblog of original humor by Brian Sack.
Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

*Greatest Hits*

Facebook in the Fuhrerbunker

The Aryan Racebook.Read on...

eBay: Drive Someone Insane with Postcards

You are bidding on a rare chance to traumatize a treasured friend or relative with baffling, mind-numbing correspondence from abroad.Read on...

Lithuania Dispatch: Report from Wheatopia

Lithuania is mostly beautiful countryside peppered with the occasional farm. The occasional farm is peppered with a sunburned farmer loading hay onto a mule-drawn cart with an 1873 pitchfork.Read on...

Paris Hilton Non-Disclosure Agreement

Downloadable legal document: The Standard Non-Disclosure Agreement Between a Publicity-Seeking Heiress and a Single Individual.Read on...

Rachael Ray Accepts Your Offer

With this handy contract, Rachael Ray can endorse your product in under 30 minutes.Read on...

The Paul Reddy Show

In the absence of new material (writing a book, you see) I am forced to reflect on old material. In this case, a reel of some highlights from my interview with John Mayer.Read on...

Playmobil Re-Enactments: Diddy Fur & X-Ray Grandma

Re-enacting the week's biggest stories with my son's Christmas present.Read on...

Your New Monkey

If you've ever wanted to send a friend or worthy adversary a three-page notice about the impending arrival of a gift monkey, this PDF is for you. Read on...

Paris Dispatch: L'Airport Que Sucks

Charles de Gaulle Airport was designed by architect Paul Andreu whose influences include hamsters (tube tunnels), Stalin (decomposing concrete) and Hitler (suffering).Read on...

China Dispatch: Using the Squat Toilet

Rule One: Exhaust all other possibilities.Read on...

Sky Mall: For The Shameless Traveler

For the savvy traveler who doesn't care what people think.Read on...

Us Weekly Visits The Fuhrerbunker

The celebrity glossy's exclusive.Read on...

How Animals Have Sex

When hermaphrodite banana slugs get it on, one of them gets their ten-inch penis eaten - something I'd not known.Read on...

A Million Little Explanations

In the wake of James Frey's comeuppance on Oprah, and with my own memoir of hardship, addiction and persecution heading to press, I feel it behooves me to come clean now...Read on...

The Twelve Days of eBay

WOW! Mint condition partridge in pear tree **NO RESERVE** Read on...

This Monkey Means Love

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "What will I do with an animatronic monkey?" "Why would you buy an animatronic monkey for my anniversary?" "What were you thinking when you purchased an animatronic monkey from the Sharper Image?"Read on...

Playboy. In Braille.

It's Playboy. And it's in Braille.Read on...

The World's Most Comprehensive Junk Email

Good afternoon. My name is Ethics T. Foreclosure. I am a former account supervisor of Mr. Charles Mbobo who recently reached his ideal weight thanks to Hoodia, the miracle root from Africa. I received your contact information via Plaxo...Read on...

The History of My Traveling Pants

The story of the pants heard 'round the world.Read on...

The Fund For Ribbons

With your help, we can fight something.Read on...

Profiles: The Guy Who Wrote "Tiny House"

An interview with the writer behind GEICO's reality-show parody "Tiny House"Read on...

eBay: DKNY Men's Leather Pants I Unfortunately Own

There is an explanation.Read on...

Bourne Prophecies

Bournes to be.Read on...

The New York Regrettable Film Festival

Highlights from this year's entries.Read on...

Grammar Cop: Coney Island, Never a Bored-Walk

Banterist Department of Corrections.Read on...

Tom Cruise for the Xbox

Coming sooner than we thought.Read on...

Why Our SWAT Team Needs A Monkey

Monkeys are disarming. Criminals are often armed. Therefore, monkeys can disarm criminals.Read on...

Effects Of Toilet Water On The LG VX-7000 Cellular Phone

This is one in a string of tests of electronic devices conducted by 9-Month Old Scientist, coming right on the heels of the groundbreaking Effects Of A Hardwood Floor On The Logitech Harmony Remote Control, the notable Aerodynamic Properties Of Battery-Operated Devices and the memorable Potential Hazards Of Diaper Cream On Sony Portable CD Players.Read on...

Unclaimed Finances of The Rich & Famous

Pacific Bell owes Keanu Reeves $85.60, and other things you didn't know. Read on...

Report to Shareholders

I am pleased to report a banner year for Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries.Read on...

Community Theatre Bios

Donovan has appeared in the Carnival Cruise Line production of Les Miserables and is a founding member of The Chuckles, an ensemble of clowns that terrify terminally ill children in various hospital wards. His real name is Ted Weed.Read on...

A Public Message From Sean P. Diddy Combs

TiVo or Die!Read on...

Dear Person Who Hacked Paris Hilton's Cell Phone

"Because of what you did to Ms. Hilton, other folks were hurt or placed in harm's way. Ashlee Simpson might get a call reminding her that she's a fraud perpetrating a joke on the song-downloading public. Ditto Lindsay Lohan. And Lauren Popeil, heiress to Ronco, might be hounded by people upset that her dad's Food Dehydrator is a piece of crap."Read on...

The Starbucks Glossary

Abridged.Read on...

The Apple iPad

Meet iPad, the newest innovation from Apple, designed exclusively for your dad.Read on...

Scenarios That Suggest You're Getting Whacked

Knowing when it's over.Read on...

Cats Do Not Like Change

With their preference for routine, it's quite understandable that many cats are troubled by the appearance of new humans in the household. When presented with such dramatic change they react in one of two ways: 1) They hide under the bed or behind furniture, 2) They eat the dramatic change.Read on...

The Political Capital MasterCard

With the MBNA Political Capital MasterCard, every dollar spent or vote received will earn you one Political Capital Point. You can use your points for valuable travel, hotel and shopping rewards, or simply to further your mandate. Even better, Political Capital Points can be transferred into most Frequent Flyer and 527 Group accounts. With Political Capital Points, how you use them is up to you!Read on...

Helpful Plastic Surgery Tips

To judge the success of your plastic surgery, stand outside. If people try to chase you off of a cliff with pitchforks, consider finding another plastic surgeon and getting a second opinion.Read on...

How Past Girlfriends Could Have Changed History

Originally appeared on McSweeney's.Read on...

The Baha Men Commission Report

Finally... closure.Read on...

A Gentleman's Guide to Labor & Delivery

Vaginal birth requires a great deal of pushing with accompanying pain. For males to relate, this might be best described as your wife and a chorus of enthusiastic strangers cheerleading you to pee a rhinoceros.Read on...

To The Person Who Found My Camera

I'd appreciate a chance to explain the photos.Read on...

Paris Hilton For The Xbox

Screenshots from the next phase of Ms. Hilton's soiling of the planet.Read on...

Field Guide To Online Dating Profile Photography

As Illustrated By A Half-Asian Baggage HandlerRead on...

eBay: Appalling Flatware For Sale

There are many reasons you might wish to purchase the 75-piece set of amazingly heinous gold-plated Versace flatware I've recently come to possess through no fault of my own. Read on...

Saddam's Interrogation Logs

Excerpts from the ongoing interrogation of Saddam Hussein. One of the most popular McSweeney's pieces.Read on...

A Note To The Dentist

An appointment reminder that's scarier than going to the dentist.Read on...

Nipplegate: The Index

For coining the term early on, Banterist was rewarded with top positioning on Google and thus receives visits from boob freaks worldwide.Read on...

A Watched Pot

Banterist celebrates our color-coded national alert system.Read on...

Christmas Party, Cheesecake, Jelly Bean, Boom!

Observations from Michael Stipe's Christmas Party.Read on...

New York Sidewalk Trivia

Did you know the average time it takes any stationary object to be sprayed with dog urine is nine minutes?Read on...

Please Stop Reading Us Magazine

For those who've had enough celebrity fluff.Read on...

Rant: You

Something about you bothers me.Read on...