We're blessed to live in a country where each and every individual (not you, felons!) can participate in the justice system. A trial by a jury of our peers is one of our inalienable rights, and serving as a juror is not only a privilege but a civic obligation.
That said, sometimes jury duty can be a dreadfully tedious ordeal that you'd really like to get the hell out of - like if the trial will last over a month and is about rich people suing other rich people over a bent building.

Here are some helpful tips:

• Declare yourself a sovereign republic. Tell the lawyers you are not subject to the laws or jurisdiction of the United States because you are a country from the skin inward.
• Approach the lawyers and ask, "Where the guilty one at?" This should result excusal on grounds of bias and/or grammatical malfeasance.
• Tell them you're part of a daytime improvisational comedy troupe Mission Improv-able that will suffer hardship if you're not there to provide base swears and crude scatological references.
• Rock back and forth mumbling, "Man, I wish Carrot Top could see this."
• When the attorneys ask if you can be fair and impartial say, "For $40 a day? Pick one."
• Hold a quarter and keep referring to it as The Decisionmaker.
• Tell them you will be fair and impartial as dictated by Starfleet legal code.
• Frighten every attorney in the room by suggesting this could probably be resolved through binding arbitration instead.

©Brian Sack | Filed under: Satire | 3 Comments | Email to a Friend
Tags: Helpful Tips | Jury Duty | Lawyers | Legal