From New York, original humor & commentary by Brian Sack.
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Crazee Mommy Outfitters

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We all know that germ-ridden supermarket carts have maimed and killed millions of children. In fact, it's a wonder any of us survived those childhood trips to the supermarket. Fortunately those days are behind us. The Protecto Shopping Cart Cover takes our children out of microbial harm's way so we can focus our worry on pedophiles and nut allergies. The Protecto is no more cumbersome than a large comforter, and no more embarrassing than shuffling through a town assembly with your pants around your ankles. Best of all it assembles in less than an hour, so it won't detract from Purell and Clorox shopping expeditions.


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It used to be that when food was too hot to serve to your child you'd have to wait for it to cool down. And wait. And wait. Sometimes up to 2 minutes. With Mr. McCool, your waiting time is cut in half! Using patented put-this-in-the-freezer technology, the Mr. McCool actually turns cold when put in the freezer. Put hot food on it and it cools down. It's like having a cold plate but it's plastic and can't go in the dishwasher.


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"Mommy? Can you put my juice box in a plastic container?" No doubt you've lost track of how many times you've heard that. Until now, children were expected to simply hold on to their juice boxes as they drank from them - like animals! Juice Pal holds your child's juice box in a non-disposable plastic container, giving you something to carry around everywhere while at the same time allowing your child to avoid holding an actual juice box.


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We've all heard horror stories about children who drop spoons on the floor. That trauma is a thing of the past with Tetherspoon! By affixing your child's spoon to the table the Tetherspoon prevents unpleasant spoon droppage, while at the same time teaching him that utensils are awkward to use because they're affixed to the table.


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Soon, the holocaust of popsicle drippage will be but an unpleasant memory thanks to Drip Catcher. Simply attach to your child's frozen treat and watch as the compressed sponge catches and absorbs every naughty drip! When your child is finished simply throw the drip-soaked sponge in a landfill and forget the whole thing ever happened, leaving your humiliated child's shirt delightfully stain-free.


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All Crazee Mommy purchases come with Kneepadz to protect your child in case he accidentally crawls.


©Brian Sack | Filed under: Fatherhood Dispatch | 9 Comments | Email to a Friend
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Comments

These are actual pictures... so it isn't like you actually made up these things... huh.

I'm kinda in the mood for a CapriSun now.

Wicked funny post Brian! What people won't think up next to "protect" our precious children! How did they ever survive this long! Actually the plastic container for the juice, I actually understand why one would want it. If I had a nickle for everytime my kids squeezed their capri sun all over the carpet...I guess if it was in the hard plastic container, they couldn't squeeze it? Maybe? Thanks for the yuks anyway!

You forgot the multicolored, environmentally safe walker complete with air bags and a safety belt. God forbid our precious treasures should stub their toes.

How come babies get those cool five-point seat belts and we get the regular, crappy ones?

Brilliant post, Brian. Judging by these standards, my mother was a psychopathic child abuser who put me on the floor without protective gear and suck on supermarket cart handles. Let's not even get into me eating old Corn Pops out of the corners of the kitchen floor.

Yes! Tetherspoon. Now I can fling my peas at my wife with ease.

No more mass graves filled with thousands of sticky or soiled children; thank you, Ronco!

Kneepadz? Has anyone thought about an adult version to distribute throughout college campuses? They would have helped during all those pub crawls during university....

Mock all you like, I am going to purchase each and every one of these products.

Especially the bank-teller-spoon. I want one those suckers in the worst way.

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