The Runowo Conference commenced at approximately 6:00 AM in Runowo Krajenskie, Poland. Ostensibly a wedding celebration for friends, it was in fact a meeting of distinguished representatives from the United States (me) and three Polish delegates: a guy in a salmon shirt who looks like British comedian Stephen Fry, a loud guy in a White Shirt, and a guy everyone called Bialy who kept spilling vodka on my leg.

This was a rare chance for two countries to get together and discuss politics, economics and history. But mostly it was a common opportunity to drink staggering amounts of vodka in the wee hours of the morning. I can't say America won, because America was eventually ushered to bed by America's wife, but America proudly outlasted White Shirt. It should be noted that representatives from Germany, Northern Ireland and an Australian Serb failed to even make the conference - citing the necessity to sleep.

Discussed:

Iraq: "I think... this is not so good idea."

Electronics: "So much cheaper in the U.S."

George W. Bush: "He makes many promises to Poland and, we don't see reward for it. Does he fuck with us?"

The Kaczynski twins (Poland's leadership): "They are short... embarrassing."

Iran: "When will you attack?"

Polish men: "We are sensitive."

American foreign policy: "You want to be help but you make trouble all the time. Why?"

Not much was resolved and no one knows exactly what was said. All that is certain is the conference ended at 6:42 AM when White Shirt fell asleep in the butter.