MACLURE'S DISPOSABLE SUBWAY MITTENS

Having to ride the subway is bad enough, but having to touch the filth-covered bars is downright traumatic. MacLure's Disposable Subway Mittens insulate your hands in a biodynamic anti-bacterial gel, putting half an inch of Kevlar-reinforced nylon and microbe-resistant poly-cotton padding between you and some homeless guy's snot. Sold individually as well as in weekly and monthly commuter packs. $2.95 ea.

EXIT STRATEGY TURNSTILE TONGS

When you push through a turnstile you're putting your crotch in the same exact place that millions of other crotches have been. No one knows what the long-term effects of that could be... do you want to take any chances? Our Turnstile Tongs ensure you exit the station free from crotch germs, if any. Comes with convenient carry case and 12 oz sterilizer spray. $18.95 ea.

SEAT BEATERS

Sometimes the subway feels like a lose-lose venture! Stand, and you're forced to touch the microscopic urine particles that are no doubt coating all surfaces. Sit, and you're putting your clean pants on a surface that some drunk's filthy shoes were probably propped up on. Seat Beaters are revolutionary germ-resistant pads infused with the power of twelve bleaches. Just remember to lean forward or your shirt will most likely be contaminated by the seatback.

FLYING GOLDFISH KIOSK FINGER

Avoid germs and have fun at the same time! The Flying Goldfish Kiosk Finger lets you use MetroCard kiosk buttons fearlessly - and it's guaranteed to make fellow straphangers laugh. Refill your card, get a new card, or take advantage of several other kiosk options without worrying about fecal residue. $8.99 ea.

SEE SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING KIT

The subway is not mobile-phone friendly, so if you want to report a suspicious package you'll need to use the payphone - yikes! Ironically, that festering cauldron of germs could be even more dangerous than a gas attack. The See Something Say Something Kit saves the day! Use the six foot wooden stick to get the receiver off the hook, dial '0' with the rubber fingertip guard, then simply shout your urgent message at the phone with the bullhorn. $124.95 ea.

©Brian Sack | Filed under: Satire | 9 Comments | Email to a Friend
Tags: Germs | Kiosk Finger | Mass Transit | New York