Banterist - This Monkey Means Love

From New York, original humor & commentary by Brian Sack.
Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

This Monkey Means Love

rubber monkey.jpg

Honey, honey. Happy Anniversary. I bought you the Sharper Image "Alive" Chimpanzee. I love you.

Wait, don't make a face like that. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "What will I do with an animatronic monkey?" "Why would you buy an animatronic monkey for my anniversary?" "What were you thinking when you purchased an animatronic monkey from the Sharper Image?"

Trust me, honey, there's a reason I bought the Sharper Image "Alive" Chimpanzee. And never forget that I love you.

Honey, first of all, this is a Sharper Image Worldwide Exclusive. You can't get it anywhere else. It's unique. Just like the ball that said "Fuhgeddaboudit" when squeezed. But this is no talking squeeze-ball. It's a life-like animated rubber bust of a chimpanzee that I suppose I'll put on the table over there.

Honey, I love you. The Sharper Image "Alive" Chimpanzee has four distinctive moods: "Curious", "Happy", "Fearful" and "Feisty" - so in many ways he's just like me. When I'm away you can look at the rubber monkey bust on the table - or maybe bookshelf - and think of your husband and our love.

And when I get home, I can trigger the monkey's moods with a remote control. It will be great, honey, because you can say something and I can tell you to look at the monkey to see how I feel about what you said. For example, when I come home with a $150 animatronic rubber monkey bust and place it on the table and you start cursing me, I can press the "Fearful" button. You will see the fear I feel, but you will see it expressed through the soulful eyes of a rubber chimp.

Honey, I don't want you to think this is another pointless toy built by baffled Asians and destined for the attic. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is not Robosapien or a Lightsaber. This is a monkey, and we came from monkeys. His appearance is remarkably lifelike! Even the catalog will tell you it was painstakingly crafted to exacting standards. Do you have any idea how exacting the standards are for a rubber monkey head? Very. I'm sure of it.

I love you, honey. I think the Sharper Image "Alive" Chimpanzee is the ultimate anniversary gift. We're going to learn together what it's like to be in the presence of a chimpanzee. And his soulful eyes track movement, so as we walk around the living room together it will be like someone else, a rubber monkey, is experiencing our lives with us.

Best of all, for $29.95 the three-year replacement guarantee insures that our robotic chimp will be with us for at least three years. Looking down at us from the bookshelf, or maybe the table. Maybe the counter by the phone. He'll be there, sensing our presence, twitching, reacting, surprising guests. It will be great, as long as we keep his batteries charged.

Happy anniversary, honey. I love you.

Look at the rubber monkey head. I'll press the button to show you how happy I am.

Trackback

You can ping this entry by using:
http://www.banterist.com/movabletype/mt-tb.cgi/305

Comments

Sweet, now I can finish my Christmas shopping.

Posted by: Jen (but not that other Jen) | December 16, 2005 5:45 PM

I want a monkey! That thing is funny as hell.

Posted by: Melissa | December 16, 2005 8:13 PM

By jove, Armageddon is upon us or I'm a monkey's uncle!!

Posted by: eggsngrits | December 16, 2005 9:17 PM

Those were my exact thoughts when I looked through the Sharper Image catalog.

Posted by: Kevin | December 17, 2005 7:08 PM

Sweet fancy Moses, that thing is rivaled only by Real Doll in its creepiness.

Posted by: Screaming Pepper | December 20, 2005 9:02 AM

I, too, recently happened upon this ridiculous monkey at a local Sharper Image. I'm sure anyone who has purchased one thus far already rates it as a top 10 "life regret." That expensive and you don't even get a whole monkey--just the head? Even the most simple-minded attention spans will get no more than 5 minutes' satisfaction from this device. I love Sharper Image, but you've got to question the thinking behind this product.

Posted by: Kent | December 20, 2005 9:09 AM

I clicked on the link, of course I cliked on the link.

The first thing that jumped out at me?

Purchase a Second For: $119.96

Um, ok. Sure.

Posted by: Natty | December 20, 2005 12:23 PM

Actually, it is now on sale for $119.96 .... could they NOT be selling? Nah, couldn't be.

Posted by: fweather | December 22, 2005 5:33 AM

That is the scariest fucking thing I have ever seen.

Posted by: Amanda B. | December 22, 2005 12:01 PM

Had planned on buying one for hubby because, you know, The Monkey would show how much I love him. Then I read this and realized I'd almost lost my mind. Pointedly made husband read Banterist to confirm bad idea. He agreed. But now it's on sale....and it really is a unique way to say "I love you". Must resist Sharper Image monkey bait.

Posted by: M Gay | December 22, 2005 11:40 PM

How on earth does it depict 'feisty'?

[ My guess would be groping, but due to the absence of arms I'll have to assume it makes 'come hither' monkey lips. -B. ]

Posted by: biggaygingerbear | December 23, 2005 10:38 AM

The rubber monkey was never intended as a gift item for couples, married or otherwise. It was designed with singles in mind. That's why it has the 'feisty' option.

Posted by: Dom | December 24, 2005 9:48 PM

Don't kid yourselves. The screaming monkey head doubles as a vibrator.

Posted by: ravebyron | December 24, 2005 11:58 PM

i got this thing for christmas and the control and motion sensors dont work! although it would be entertaining if it worked and you are easily distracted :D

Posted by: no-one-special | December 26, 2005 12:03 AM

My girlfriend got this from her mom, for Christmas. Her immediate reaction, upon opening the package, was a loud and displeased "OH MY GOD."

"I got it for you because you like robots!" her mom helpfully explained.

The chimp-head stared at her silently, through glazed eyes.

It is one of the most terrifying gifts I have ever seen.

Posted by: Greg Nog | December 26, 2005 10:29 PM

Brian, I hope you got one for Christmas just so I can read your Ebay listing when you try to sell it.

Posted by: Scott | December 28, 2005 2:07 PM

i'm naming mine Hojo!

Posted by: angelo | January 4, 2006 8:15 PM

I'm got this for my brother for christmas but first I'm going to pretend to give it to my wife. If she looks closely she'll see the $6000 diamond earrings it's wearing! Got it on sale at the Sharper Image for $59.95

Posted by: Vernon | December 23, 2006 2:39 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVvD_D1wilc&feature=related
Check this out..!! john mayer with the monkey!!!

Posted by: peter | August 28, 2008 8:09 AM

Post a comment

Name:

Email Address:

URL:

Remember personal info?

Comments: (you may use HTML tags for style)

From New York, where English is sometimes spoken.

ABOUT
INDEX
FAQ
FEED
TWITTER

Entries:

Comments:

Archie Hill on Helpful Tips For Actors
Anonymous on The Cons of November
David Foxdove on China Dispatch: Using the Squat Toilet
manymopars on eBay: Playboy. In Braille.
Malgosia on Report from Poland - Raport z Polski
starringmoviesu on For Child Left Behind
Anonymous on Outsourcing US Jobs Overseas: Good, Bad or Ugly?

Where've we been?
The New York Times • NPR • WBCN • Mancow • Fox & Friends • CBS Up To The Minute • The Jay Thomas Show • WJIM • WOCM • CW 11 • The Guardian • USA Today • Boing Boing • Daybreak USA • Fusion • New York Daily News • Canada National Post • KIRO • Radar • McSweeney's • The Independent • Glamour • MSNBC.com • FARK • Glenn Beck program • New York Post Page Six • BBC Radio • Gawker • Defamer • CNN.com • Cracked • New Zealand Herald • Irish Independent • Weekend America and other fine media outlets.

Subscribe to Feed