"Berklee School of Music is great, but you need to weigh their price tag with the fact you'll never sell more than 43 albums."

"I'd be happy to put a word in for you, but I really should save my Dartmouth connections for someone who won't wind up in prison."

"Do you really want to go to a school where you'll eventually be known as Tag-Team Sally?"

"The Tower signifies your acceptance into Cornell. The Ten of Cups signifies a frat beer blast. And Death signifies your low tolerance."

"I don't want to discourage you, but I see the face of someone not passing the Bar - and they have your glasses."

"I think you'll find the Peace Corps is the experience of a lifetime. Especially when the natives accuse you of witchcraft."

"If we throw this application in the trash now, we save the expense of having Yale do it."

"All I'm saying is med school is a lot of time and money to spend on a career that comes to an ugly end in June, 2012."

"If your heart says 'musical theatre' then I say Emerson. But your dead grandpa says pansy."