Banterist - The Fund For Ribbons

From New York, original humor & commentary by Brian Sack.
Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

The Fund For Ribbons

The statistics are gut-wrenching.

Every twelve minutes, another cause suffers from lack of a ribbon.

Many of us take ribbons for granted. When cars pass us on the highway with 2, 3, even 8 ribbons it's easy for us to think that every cause has a ribbon.

Unfortunately, that's far from the truth.

No doubt you've seen breast cancer ribbons, patriotic ribbons, autism ribbons, lupus ribbons and dyslexia ribobns [sic].

Amazingly, they're only the tip of the iceberg. The sad fact is there are hundreds and hundreds of causes that end each day completely ribbonless.

Even in America.

I know it's hard to believe, but even in the land of plenty, unwed mothers lack a ribbon. Cross-eyed bandits. Sephardic pimps. Churro Awareness. The list goes on and on.

That's why I'm asking you for your help.

I'm counting on you to make a small financial sacrifice. Your much needed funds will help us identify new causes.

Like Chicken Envy.

And your funds will then help us assign those causes new ribbons. Unique ribbons. Ribbons that say we care.

I'm thinking yellow and white - for the chicken part - with a frilly green edge to symbolize envy.

See? We can make a difference. That difference starts with you. Don't be discouraged by the seemingly overwhelming task ahead of us. Though there are countless un-ribboned causes - like Fat Acceptance and Dandruff Pride - we can come up with ribbons for all of them. But we need you to help.

Your contribution will help buy hundreds of shades of blue or green or yellow, not to mention low-cost icons, clip art, squiggles - whatever it takes to get the message out and stuck on the back of a car. Once we do that, we're halfway to a cure. Unless it's not a disease, in which case we're halfway to acceptance or awareness, depending.

But one thing is certain: Without your help, we can not cover this great country in ribbons. While god, guns and guts made this country great, ribbons help keep it together. Ribbons, ribbons, ribbons. And rubber bracelets.

The Fund for Ribbons needs your support. And ironically, we need a ribbon ourselves.

Sincerely,

Jan-Michael Vincent & Tone-Loc

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Comments

Actually, they do already have a ribbon in support of more ribbons!
Support Our Ribbons
I particularly like the one that says "My Ribbon Is Better Than Your Ribbon."

[ I'll be damned. -B. ]

Posted by: Wacky Hermit | September 29, 2005 4:48 PM

whenver i go to suburban walmart and see the sea of suvs with magneto ribbons on them I wonder, "how many could I take off before some bubba came out and shot me?"
if I ever try it, I'll take pcitures. i'm thinking 2 or 3....

Posted by: kowgurl | September 30, 2005 6:46 PM

I used to have a cool ribbon for Hurricane Safety Awareness. But it blew away; we found it embedded in an evacuee.

Posted by: Rex Strother | October 2, 2005 11:27 PM

Great holiday gift item: http://www.mcphee.com/items/M6133.html

Posted by: shellynoir | October 6, 2005 3:57 PM

Your blog is awesome. Thank you for the mid-workday (well, sort of) entertainment. I want one of those chicken envy ribbons, just because...

Posted by: Marla | October 7, 2005 4:52 PM

I've been looking for just that sort of ribbon... I'm glad others recognize the desperate need for acceptance which the wristband camp feels.

Posted by: Robley | October 11, 2005 9:50 AM

As someone who once profited greatly from selling ribbons to Princess Di 'mourners' (two rolls of black ribbon = £9.95, one pair of scissors £2.95, laminated plastic id = £2, one million suckers = free of charge, four thousand black ribbons @ £2 = £8,000) howabout a ribbon for all the ribbon entrepreuners out there? If it wasn't for us...

Posted by: biggaygingerbear | October 13, 2005 12:44 PM

Your heart should be warmed by this tale. When we were driving through Hamilton, OH a few weeks ago, I saw a red & green magnetic ribbon on a car. (Since I live in Southern Ohio I'm always up to date on the latest magnetic ribons crazes but I'd never seen this one.) I asked my bofriend to see what it said. [I have bad vision.] When he was laughing so hard that tears were coming out, I had to know .. he said it read "Support Road Head". One point for Hamilton.

Posted by: Tracy | October 18, 2005 2:20 PM

My wife and I were discussing this just the other day. We decided that if we printed up a bunch of "Prevent Ribbon Envy" ribbons, we'd have more orders than we could keep up with.

Posted by: LabSpecimen | October 18, 2005 4:30 PM

It's worse than you think. For every ribbon you need a rubber wristband for the youth market. There used to be a great cause sticker years ago: "Stop continental drift." I think I even had one.

Posted by: everysandwich | October 19, 2005 7:16 PM

God Bless Magnetism!

Posted by: ScreamingPepper | October 20, 2005 1:20 PM

Am I the only one who caught the dyslexia ribbon? Another ruined keyboard.

Thanks dude. At least I am home this time and it isnt soda running out of my nostrils but wine.

Posted by: Melissa | October 21, 2005 12:02 AM

I caught the dyslexic ribbon,... and I was drinking a carbonated beverage!!!

Posted by: Lill | October 21, 2005 7:23 PM

Ha! Sephardic Pimps!

Posted by: Leah | October 21, 2005 7:51 PM

MY ribbon says: Support the Asian Magnetic Ribbon Makers!

Posted by: Jim | October 26, 2005 6:15 PM

I bet around here I could sell jock straps for athletic supporters to wear on their heads.

A suggestion from the sidelines was offered to me: wristband saying "my wristband is better than yours".

Posted by: David | October 27, 2005 9:59 AM

Free the Bound Periodicals!

Posted by: Michael Logsdon | October 28, 2005 6:59 AM

You have my support!

I still want to get a "I support whatever is hip"-Ribbon ;)

By the way, here is a story you might also enjoy:
Power of Pride

Thanks,
Marco

Posted by: marco | November 28, 2005 6:09 PM

But the ultimate winner in this category goes to cable news...for constantly updating us on the horrifying trend "Are We Making Billboards out of our Children?" I watched a few...don't, it's terrifying

Posted by: Meghan | January 11, 2006 11:39 PM

FYI, Cause ribbons such as "support road head" or "support your local stripper" are available at dormgear.com or your local spencer's novelty shop. Cheers!

Posted by: Darren | February 26, 2006 3:05 PM

I MUST HAVE the "Support your local stripper" ribbon. Where can I find one? I tried "dormgear" and Spencers. Thanks.

Posted by: Marga | September 27, 2006 8:17 PM

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