Stay indoors as often as possible, but not with your step-dad. Most indoor crimes involve your step-dad.

Most criminals have what seasoned detectives call "crime face." If you see someone with crime face, avoid them. But make sure it's not just acne or you might hurt their feelings.

Get out of town during Crime Week.

Learn to identify potential trouble using the Ascertain Evaluate Determine Panic Hyper-Ventilate Run system (AEDPHVR).

If your nickname is Gotta-Lotta Moneypants, ask your friends not to call you that in front of Italian social halls.

If you think you're being followed, walk off the beaten path and see if they do the same.

Undermine the self-esteem of criminals with your "Crime Is For Losers" bumper sticker.

If you're being assailed, ask the assailant what Jesus would do. If the assailant is a preacher, he'll smile knowingly and stop assailing you.

Never show off your cash money. Keep it hidden with your drugs.

Avoid attracting attention at the ATM by removing your neon jumpsuit and shushing your kazooist.

Don't tempt criminals by leaving valuables in a parked car. Cover them with children or dogs.

De-escalate tense situations by suggesting you have a common fear of Carrot Top.

Express your position on crime with a "Please Don't Crime Me" t-shirt.

Make every experience a learning opportunity. Think I should have taken a taxi at this hour instead of I'm being ambushed with baseball bats.

Consider sending a more positive message by covering the "T" in your Thug Life tattoo.

Keep in mind that nothing good can come from "I'm not going to hurt you" if he's blaring the TV and rummaging through the knife drawer.

Criminals aren't smart. Confound them with complex sentence structure and double negatives. You shouldn't not leave me be! can buy valuable time.

Turn your life into a reality show so you have a ton of witnesses.

If something called Crimicide ever goes on the market, get it. It probably eliminates crime.

©Brian Sack | Filed under: Satire | 4 Comments | Email to a Friend
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