DONOVAN BLAINE (Dr. Morganville) is forty six and hates life. His fucking friend Lee got a fucking role on the fucking Sopranos and that's bullshit because it should have gone to him. Things haven't turned out for Donovan and he wishes he went into insurance like his dick brother Alfred. Donovan has appeared in the Carnival Cruise Line production of Les Miserables and is a founding member of The Chuckles, an ensemble of clowns that terrify terminally ill children in various hospital wards. His real name is Ted Weed.

MISSY MACDONALD (Madame Sylvia) Missy returns to the stage after unsuccessfully trying to tackle Los Angeles, where she was eaten alive by fellow actor/she-vipers. She was an ideal pick for the role of Madame Sylvia because both characters are dull, insecure and quite lonely. Missy's father ran off when she was six, so she'll sleep with anything.

BRAD TARTHOFFER (Mr. Griggers) Brad's dilemma of being broke all the time is due in part to his doing community theatre for $20/week. He is a homosexual.

DANNY TYSON (Mr. Banana) This is Danny's first play, which will become painfully obvious in about three minutes.

CHRISTOPHER BRIT (Dr. Camden) Christopher was on One Life To Live in 1984 but talks about it like it was yesterday. He had three lines he delivered poorly but insists they never used him again because the show's regulars felt threatened. Christopher was a shoo-in for the role of Dr. Camden after the first choice came down with the flu.

DEREK BEEMER (Angelo) Derek most recently performed Shakespeare Gone Wild in the back of the Williamsburg Ale House because he doesn't have a very good agent.

TARA DIPHESIO (Dania) Tara always thought it would be better than this. She doesn't know what happened. She recently auditioned for an experimental film and had to take her top off. Her manager operates out of his apartment.

LAILA TATE (Melissa) Laila has coasted on her stunning looks for years, often snatching key roles from more-talented but less-attractive women. Laila is very aware that she is onstage and if you cough it will throw off her whole performance.

CHRIS ROSENWIG (Passerby) Chris notified every casting director and agent in town about his four-line role, indicating that he takes himself way too seriously.

KERRI SIPES (Dr. Chandrae) Kerri won't stop talking about the fucking Meisner technique.