My Fellow Americans:

The fact that Burger King is running commercials urging citizens to vote is indicative of just how awful things have become in this election.

It's bad enough to be urged to vote by a purveyor of high-sodium meat products - but it's beyond miserable when those exhortations come from a hamburger monarch.

Such hypocrisy comes on the heels of similar Vote, Bastard! pleas from P. Diddy - a man made wealthy by mumbling over other people's records, and M-TV, the intolerable network that has damaged more adolescent brains than marijuana, Xbox and public schools combined.

Be warned: This endless media drumbeat of motivating clichés has the potential to bring millions of additional voters to the polls. Worse, these are people lacking in political savvy but easily influenced by hamburger ads, dunces who rap over raps, and thought-free television.

In other words: November 2, 2004 promises to be a day of unprecedented bullshit for which all Americans should be well prepared.

The day's potential for sheer nonsense is something even our brilliantly prescient Founding Fathers could never have predicted: A veritable poopstorm of half-wits swarming the polls, eager to pull levers and dimple chads not because they have any particular thoughts about anything, but because someone told them to.

To make matters worse, this traumatic dance will take place under the watchful gaze of partisan lawyers, corrupt twits and opportunistic ne'er-do-wells.

Democracy is a wonderful thing, but it suffers greatly when those who would otherwise not have opinions are encouraged to hurry up and have one by, say, Cameron Diaz. Unfortunately those of us attending the polls on our own accord will be forced to contend with the monster they've created.

I can't tell you exactly what to expect in the coming days, but my gut tells me it will involve sucking. Lots and lots of sucking. For that, I curse any organization or individual that has hopped on the Vote, Bastard! bandwagon and thoughtlessly encouraged daft, impressionable types to rush out and soil the political process. You have hastened the decline of our Constitutional Republic. It's a slippery slope - and it's going to end, some day, with the U.S. having warlords. Thanks a bunch.

No matter what happens on Election Day and in the weeks of litigation to follow, one thing is certain: 50% of the population will be spending the next four years pissing and moaning incessantly. So, even before the first ballots are cast and contested, we're already losers.

Let the drudgery begin.

Addendum:

3 November: Wow. The election is over. There's a winner. Kerry conceded gracefully, choosing to ignore several advisors' recommendations to drag things out a bit over Ohio. That was refreshing and unexpected. This essay is officially moot.