Madame Lo:

We do not know each other, but I felt it my duty to write and ask that you, all of you, immediately cease making a total mockery of the institution of marriage. By "all of you" I mean you and the myriad celebrities in your vicinity who are currently participating in this unholy pogrom. If you're friends with Britney, Liza, Demi, Angelina - any of them - please ask them to stop too. This is getting as silly as it is unbearable.

Due to my wife's unfortunate subscription to Us Weekly I have been exposed to many things, such as this love and marriage mockery, with which I take umbrage. In the course of only a few months, and solely by exposure to headlines on covers of Us left on the coffee table, I have been witness to a pattern of ludicrous nuptials and unstable romances that are a direct assault on ideals and institutions that, at the very least, deserve to be taken more seriously than a trip to the pharmacy. Not since my 7-year old brother married a neighbor in between a game of hide-and-seek have I seen such a lowering of the bar for what is considered love, not to mention poorly-planned rushes to matrimony.

Mrs. Lo, this is madness.

Lately, and regularly, marriage has been withering under the radiation emitted by numerous martial celebrity supernovas. By witnessing these spectacles, one who is not smart could be led to believe that love litters the sidewalk like phlegm. In the world you've helped create, love is found every twelve minutes, blossoms in twenty, climaxes shortly thereafter, and withers on the hour.

This is not normal.

Adding to the unease I feel, which is like the unease I feel when I see a morbidly obese person smoking, is the fact that unlike National Review or the New Yorker would, my wife's Us Weekly and other champions of celebrity do not seem to present arguments that might challenge such reckless behavior. In fact, Us automatically generates the headline "So In Love!" every three weeks and "It's Over!" every five. Only the pictures change. Not once have I seen "What The Hell Are They Doing?" or "They Must Be Joking!" grace the cover. They seem very forgiving. Had Us covered Charles Manson's crime spree, he'd have been described as "zany" and his "kooky" followers as "out of control!"

Mrs. Lo, I assure you and your famous friends that no matter what your handlers, personal assistants, management and current fiancée may tell you, this behavior is beyond abnormal. It is hard enough to find the right person once in a lifetime. For you and your ilk to suggest that love and marriage are as easily found as a Starbucks just goes to show that things are completely out of control. Or "goofy" as Us might say.

If anything, love should be even harder for you to find because of your wealth, your celebrity, and the fact your handlers allegedly tell crew members not to make eye contact with you.

I urge you to think of your legacy, if you have such a thing. I remind you that Elizabeth Taylor is not remembered for her films as much as for her pathetic wedding spree. Now she's a sad, haggard old lady who hangs out with a whitened pedophile and his gallery of freaks. This could be your fate too. Rather than being the down-home, yet wholly unapproachable girl from the block, you might well wind up the double-thrice-married tart from Gigli.

Please, Mrs. Lo, stop. Love is not always around the corner, and when people really find it, they seldom issue press releases.

Sincerely,

Brian

©Brian Sack | Filed under: Letters | Email to a Friend
Tags: Celebrities | Letters | Starbucks | Us Weekly