Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Answering Questions Posed By Spammers

Ever wondered what your spouse does online?
Most likely she’s checking her email. There’s also a recipe site she frequents. And some French newspapers. Are you saying I should be concerned?
having a hard time?
Well, I was honestly starting to worry a bit. But things definitely seem to be picking up. The stock market appears to be coming back, and commercial acting is picking up as a result of the economy in general coming back. So barring another economic downturn or nasty terrorist incident on our soil, I’m feeling positive. How are you?


Are you a Woman 25-54 needing to lose 5-55lbs?
No. But I know a few.
Are you lonely?
No. I have a spouse (though I’m beginning to wonder what she does online) and so I seldom feel lonely. She was gone for two weeks, visiting her family, but I wasn’t really lonely as I had a lot to do. And a cat. At night time, I’d settle down with the cat, a bottle of wine and work on web-related things. Are you doing okay?
Are you ready for some football?
I’ve only been to one football game. Ironically it was the Super Bowl. That seemed to make my football-loving friends mad, because they said I didn’t appreciate football. I didn’t appreciate it, but we had great seats and I enjoyed the energy of the crowd. We sat near some guy from a TV show I never watched. I have no further interest in football, but I’d certainly go to another Super Bowl, if only to make my non Super Bowl-attending friends more jealous.
Are you single?
No, no. I’m married. I’ve referenced my spouse twice already. Are you reading what I’m writing or just skimming?
Brian Are You Willing To Shed 30 Lbs In 30 Days?
I don’t think that would be healthy for me. I could stand to lose 5. Maybe 10. Can I lose 5 in 5 days or do I have to lose 30?
Brian Do You Hear Ringing and Buzzing in Your Ears?
Not since I went to that Rush concert back in 1986. Did you know that if you hear ringing in your ears you’re suffering some kind of hearing damage? I was really worried. To be honest, my hearing is not that good in my right ear. I’m not sure why. I tend to favor my left ear when using the phone.
Brian low on ink?
I don’t think so. I usually buy a few cartridges at a time so if I run out I can still print. I have an HP Photosmart 1218, in case you were curious. Thanks for asking.
Brian Will Your Family Be Safe?
Well, you know, it’s hard to say. The world has certainly changed a lot. You’ve got lots of lunatics out there who wish others harm. But overall, I think my family will be safe. New York is the safest large city in the world, for starters. I thank Giuliani for a lot of that.
Right now my family consists of a wife and a cat, so we’re easily portable should things go haywire. I feel bad for large families. Like Catholics and people from Pakistan. They can’t pack and run as easily.
Wrinkle and Stretchmark remover…Better than Botox?
I have to think anything is better than injecting something into your muscles that paralyzes them. I don’t have any stretch marks as I haven’t given birth, and I’m not wrinkled yet. I hope by the time I start to wrinkle they’ll have a refreshing soda that removes wrinkles, as I wouldn’t touch Botox in a thousand years.
Worried about your overweight child?
Who said I had an overweight child? I think they were pulling your leg. We’re trying to have kids right now. It’s okay for them to be chubby as infants, but I would be worried if my child was overweight. It sets the stage for a lot of health and emotional problems. I see a lot of fat kids on the streets here in New York, and it really bothers me. I think i’s bad parenting. I’d forward your message to them, but it’s really the parents who are to blame. And I don’t know their email addresses.
Busy at work?
No. I’m writing this.
WOMEN, ARE YOU satisfied with your BREAST? IF not, read it!!!
Women have two breasts. What is reading them going to accomplish? Is this like fortune telling? This sounds like some kind of bar ploy where you get women to read a breast for kicks.
Can the Ancient Pyramids of Egypt give you a winning edge?
Are you talking about the Luxor in Las Vegas? We stay at Mandalay Bay. It’s more modern and we’re trying to build a relationship there. We were actually thinking about going there for my birthday, but there’s a big boxing match so the room prices are jacked up. I will swing by the Luxor next time we’re in Vegas and put a tenner on the pass line of a craps table for good measure. I’ll let you know what happens.
Did I bother you?
No, Not at all.
Did I offend you?
No. Are you okay?
Do you love me?
You sound really insecure. It says your name is “Millard” and I’m not sure if that’s a guy or a girl. But that’s a moot point because I’m married and so I can’t be in love with other people. Except as friends. But you sound desperate, and I mean that as a friend, Millard. Strong, secure personalities are infinitely more attractive to people. My wife and John’s wife are very strong people.
Why don�t you like me?
I think you’re being ridiculous. I don’t not like you. I don’t know you.
Do you want a Heart Attack?
Good God no, what kind of question is that? Is that some kind of threat because I didn�t say I loved you?
Does your PC control you?
I’m a Mac user, primarily because I wanted to feel like a persecuted minority. Every time I step foot in a computer software store I see rows and rows of PC software, and eventually spot the little Macintosh section with twelve titles tucked in the back corner of the store — usually where they keep the ladder and empty boxes. Every time that happens I can imagine what it’s like to be black or gay.
Dont you think it’s worth it ? sorvolavo kanken
Is this message directed to sorvolavo kanken? I don’t know him or her. That’s a mighty cool name, though. It kind of sounds like it’s a forest in Lord of The Rings, or that unfinishable Silmarillion.
Feeling tire all the time?
I sold my car when I moved to New York. I don’t have a lot of opportunities to feel other tires because I really have no right to go groping other people’s automobiles.
Will you suk on my twat if I shave it nice and smooth?
If you had contacted me before I got married, maybe. But now I have to say I’m off the market. Just be forewarned, it’s going to itch like hell when it grows back. I can refer you to a couple of ex-girlfriends who can vouch for that.
Hey how is it going?
Good, how are you?
How Much Can I Grow?
That all depends on a lot of factors, naturally. Diet, genetics, environment. It all plays a big factor. I’m no sure how it works. I’m very tall, but my dad is not. So who knows? I’d ask a doctor.
im back, are you?
I was already here. Where were you?
Tired of Ridiculous prices on inkjets? So are we.
I’m actually thinking of getting a laser printer instead, so the answer would be no, I’m not tired of ridiculous prices on inkjets. However, there are plenty of places to shop around. Have you tried mysimon.com? You can compare prices. Do you know the guy who wanted to sell me ink?
I challenge you to a game of Scrabble?
You don’t sound very confident. I have to warn you, I’m pretty good at Scrabble. Come back when you’re feeling better prepared to take me on and can end with a period or exclamation point.
Want to look how to fuck virgin young girl into her fresh hole?
Are you the same guy we ran into in Tijuana? This sounds very familiar. The answer, as it was then, is a resounding no. First of all, I’m married. I think I’ve made that very clear. Secondly, she’s a virgin. I believe her first experience with a man should be a meaningful one that she can treasure. If she looks back on it in shame she’s going to be traumatized for life, and I don’t want to be party to that.
What Cola do you have in the fridge?
I’m not a soda drinker really. Too much sugar and unnecessary calories. I don’t like diet – no one can tell me that stuff doesn’t taste like crap. NutraSweet? No way. I don’t trust it. And what is a Phenylketonuric? I see the warnings, but I’ve never met one. In my fridge you’ll find water, beer, soy milk and 2% milk for my coffee. I have to admit, soy milk grew on me. That stuff’s not bad with cereal.


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