Banterist

From New York, original humor writing & commentary by Brian Sack. Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

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Aelfred of Dunwoody Recalls a Viking Incursion at Wal-Mart, 848 AD.

First to fall was the greeter, Matthew the Elder, pierc’d in the throat by an arrow. Those of us who survived this day owe him great thanks, as before he fell he was able to alert the nearby cashiers. With speed and determination they took it upon themselves to spread the message that the Vikings were setting upon us in short order, having parked their longboats in all the handicapped spaces.
Several customers, some mid-purchase and others with intention to purchase a variety of discounted goods, were encouraged to leave them behind and proceed with haste to the gardening aisle. It was believed the tools there provided the best defense from the Vikings, in particular the Remington 16-inch electric chainsaw, the price of which had been recently rolled back to $57.77.


As the women and children did flee the front of the store, several men and Wendy the Manager O’ The Day did endeavor to establish a barricade consisting of shopping carts, gumball vending devices and clothing racks – many of which had been used to display Danskin Yoga Tees for purchase.
As the Vikings had attacked us with the benefit of full surprise, the barricade was from the start naught but an effort to give employees and customers time to establish a more certain and solid defense in the store’s interior.
Unfortunately Wendy was slowed by her morbid obesity and whilst struggling to shut off the automatic doors was cut down by an arrow. As a result, the doors did continue to open for the invaders, automatically. Unimpeded, they began to flood from the parking lot to the entry-way. These barbarians were prevented from fully entering the store only by the barricade hastily erected at the second set of automatic doors.
It was clear that this initial line of defense would only stand for so long. The Vikings, shouting and cursing that we would pay with our lives, did start to cleave the plastic shopping carts with their axes. They showed no regard for the store’s coupon supplements, knocking over a rack of them with callous disregard for paper.
Tamika, who labored normally in the in-store McDonald’s, rose to arms, inspired by the grave threat to our lives. Thus she did engage the Vikings with hot French-fry grease, felling several and causing others to suffer disfiguring burns. As testament to the strength and menace of the Vikings, this did not give them cause to cease their attack but instead further enraged them. And so did they intensify their assault on the barricade and their efforts to gain entry. To her credit as a warrior, Tamika continued to attack them with hot fry-grease until her supplies were spent. She did then begin bombarding the Vikings with Apple and Cherry pies, the fillings of which had been made exceedingly hot.
As the Vikings made progress in the entry-way, the customers and staff did establish a defense further inside the store. They were rallied to this by Manager Timothy of Snellville, who led them without complaint even though his shift was not to begin for another hour. Happenstance had placed him in the store early. Without his management one must wonder if any of us would have survived.
The gardening aisle militia was now armed with a variety of pruning and hedge shears, rakes, string-trimmers and pressure washers of varying quality and price. The aisle had been sealed off at both ends with wooden patio furniture from the Better Homes & Gardens collection; sturdy wood tables and chairs which provided significant protection. Furthermore, the establishment of a perimeter of flaming gas and charcoal grills would serve to impede the Viking raiders.
Our scouts returned to inform us that the Vikings had broken through the barricade, as had been anticipated. They reported the sad loss of the brave and noble Tamika, who had fought to the last pie but was pierc’d and felled by an arrow (the Viking arrowist was skilled). Word came that several members of Wal-Mart security and a lone patron had engaged the Vikings near Women’s Apparel, but their numbers were too small to pose any significant challenge to the bloodthirsty barbarians. They were cleav’d where they stood, a sea of blood staining many racks of Hanes, White Stag and Mary-Kate and Ashley garments.
As the gardening aisle braced for the onslaught of these merciless philistines we could hear the blood-curdling screams of the unfortunates who had taken refuge in the CD section. The Vikings slaughtered them to a man, and in their berserk fury did destroy a multitude of CDs in a section that spanned from John Mayer to White Stripes.
Our gardening aisle militia did with ease repel an initial attack by a small band of Vikings who had dared attempt to breech our defenses. Three of them fell during their attack, pierc’d by gardening essentials, but two others survived and fled to gather reinforcements.
With one victory to our credit, Timothy of Snellville did rally the gardening aisle, his unsurpassed leadership and bravery making him a most excellent candidate for General Manager. As the Viking hordes approached us screaming, cursing and assuring us of doom, Timothy’s demeanor did strengthen our resolve and calm our nerves. Though it seemed that Armageddon loomed on the horizon, he had a very good point: the four reasonably-priced Remington 16-inch electric chainsaws we possessed would be a lethal weapon if well-handled.
The Viking horde set upon us in a most reckless and curious manner, many being consumed by flame from the Weber and Char-Broil defenses. Others fell victim to bombardment with a variety of household goods that had been stockpiled. The Mr. Coffee Cappuccino & Coffee Maker was no less than lethal when it struck enemy heads with force. The glass carafe did shatter as well, wounding many with its shards. As the Vikings fell and their advance slowed, our morale did increase – and for many so did their bravery. Hank the Unlearned did charge the enemy without regard to his own life, felling no fewer than a dozen Vikings with his electric chainsaw, only stopping when it unplugged and he was hack’d to bits.
After what had seemed like an eternity of combat the Vikings, bloodied, exhausted and surprised at the tenacity of our defense began to retreat. No sooner than they had visited Hell upon us were they gone. We collected the dead and tended to the wounded. Although we had lost several good customers and staff the price the Vikings paid was far steeper, and I do doubt if they will ever consider attacking this Wal-Mart again. Especially when there is an ill-defended Costco but twelve miles away.


Previously

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